Getting on with it

I haven't felt the need to write my blog recently which I guess shows how much better I am feeling. Christmas went quite well and I am now visiting Roger regularly without much anxiety which is a real achievement. My routine is completely out of sync because of Christmas and so is my diet - I have gained 5 lbs and now feel podgy. I am still less than I weighed before all this started.

Basically I feel pretty normal although yesterday and today my mood has been lower than usual. I think this is hormonal because its exactly 2 weeks ago that I felt like this before and I am on a three week cycle which means this is PMT (which I have always suffered from). I'm keeping an eye on it but am pretty sure that is what it is.

Next Thursday I return to work and am both looking forward to it and worrying about it. I had a horrible dream last night where I was late for work with no make up on and everyone was wondering where I was. I guess this is quite self-explanatory. I am worrying about how people at work will think of me and perceive me and how I will get to work okay. I have to drive which is about 7 miles and, although hubby is driving me the first day, I am concerned about panicking during the driving. I will just have to try and see.

My counsellor is being really helpful and I am seeing my emotions alot more clearly. Sometimes things are so obvious but you don't see them until they are pointed out.

I visited my friend, C................, who upset me a while ago. All was fine until she said 'you cannot expect your friends to be there for you'. What?! I took it to say 'you cannot expect me to be there for you'. Our friendship has been floundering since before I was in withdrawal and she has kept well away from me for months. I my mind friendship is two-sided and you should help one another. Well, I have helped her for nearly 10 years and now I feel she has let me down. I am hurt to say the least but there you go.

Facing up to things

I haven't written in my blog for a few days because things have been going pretty well and also I've been busy living! It's not been all good however. Last week I had about 5 good days where I felt much happier and calmer. I have had a couple of really good sessions at the gym and felt really confident there, alone, last Friday plus the driving was easy. Saturday was freezing but sunny and I only ventured out of the house once, to go to town and buy some essentials (plus a bit of retail therapy). I went with hubby and felt pretty good. Then we visited P............... at home before returning home. I was rather bored during the evening and began feeling lonely.

Sunday morning we walked the dogs with some friends and their dog and it was lovely. We walked along the beach and I felt great until I realised I had walked further than I ever had. I began to feel anxious once I felt out of my depth but managed to keep it under control and the feeling passed. After the walk we had a family lunch to attend. I haven't been looking forward to this lunch for several reasons. My mother-in-law irritates me, the last time I saw my brother in law and his family they were all arguing with each other and that irritated me, so you can imagine I wasn't looking forward to lunch with them all. Plus the venue was pretty grotty! The lunch went better than I thought although I felt agitated throughout. I also felt disassociated which I know is my body finding a way to protect me from my anxiety. So anyway I got through it with a smile on my face and we dropped my mum home. In the car she started talking about Christmas and my brother and will he/won't he turn up and hubby started saying that we should all go away for Christmas and mum started agreeing with him and I started to feel really wound up and angry. I told them I wish Christmas wasn't happening and I hated this time of year. Hubby was telling me I was wound up because of my brother and he started raising his voice and I could feel myself getting more and more anxious. I could see it was upsetting mum but I couldn't hide my feelings. Things calmed down and I hugged mum and we drove home. The next morning my brother phoned me up all concerned because mum was upset and I told him the reason and promised to talk to her. I went to my counsellor and poured all the frustration out to him and the tears flowed and flowed. After alot of talking (the poor man must have had sore ears afterwards!) he suggested that maybe Christmas is amplifying feelings I already have and I have to agree with him. All I want is for Christmas to be my family all together for Christmas day but it never happens. My brother has his father in law and occasionally our mum, and my brother in law has his wife's family. We are left out totally and are expected to entertain hubby's mother and anyone else that is being left out that year. It always feels like no one wants us and that makes me feel unwanted. Childish I know, but this is how I feel.

Anyway, after this realisation I was quite shaken up, I thought I had sorted out my insecurities years ago but I guess because I am emotionally fragile at the moment it has reappeared.

After lunch me and hubby went to see R.............. I was still shaky and felt reluctant but also felt I wanted to go and so off we went. I drove which helped occupy my mind and we managed to park really close. Entering the hospital I was shaky and anxious. I remained shaky and anxious throughout the visit but dispite this it was a good visit. R............ is making progress and he was really pleased to see me. He is starting to talk like his old self which is wonderful and is starting to move his leg. It really cheered me up.

Back home my brother rang again to see if I'd spoken to mum which made me feel a bit hassled but I couldn't do much as I had to get to the gym. A bit anxious at the gym, probably because I had been anxious all day, but coped fine and even popped into the supermarket for some supplies on the way home. Phoned mum when I got home and made peace with her.

This morning I have visited my friend who I fell out with a few weeks ago. It was something I had been dreading but we soon slipped back into normality. Towards the end of the visit I began to feel agitated and nervous and managed to contain it. The drive home was difficult as I was very anxious by then but I did it without stopping although I was visibly shaking by the time I got home. I think the anxiety was caused by the visit as I am very aware that this particular friend drains me. She has alot of health problems herself and I always feel I need to care for her and at the moment that is making me resentful towards her and so I have been avoiding her because of this. I don't think she drained me as much as I had expected but the anticipation caused the anxiety. I am glad I made the effort though as I proved I can drive that distance alone and therefore I am becoming more independent.

Pushing the boundaries

Yesterday was a good day. The morning was frosty and sunny so we decided to go to the boat for the day. It was lovely. We took the boat out and, apart from me stressing about mooring, it was good fun. We really enjoyed each other's company and took the dogs for a long walk along the riverside which was really enjoyable. The drive home was a little less successful. The car broke down on the motorway. We called the AA and had to wait. The traffic was hurtling past, very close to us and so we had to get out of the car and wait in the bushes with the dogs. We walked along a bit to get further away from the traffic and had to wait. It was cold and dark and noisy and very frightening. I was terrified I would lose grip of the dog's lead and he would get run over. I was terrified that I would have a panic attack and lose control and just, well, run. So I did my deep breathing exercises and hung on to the fence. In fact, I wrapped one arm around the fence in case I passed out! We had to stay there for an hour and to be honest I don't know how I kept control of myself. But I did. Eventually the AA arrived and moved us to a safe area to look at the car. Sitting in the car I began shaking and really had to get a grip and try to calm down. Bless him, hubby got me a cup of tea which helped to divert my attention. They couldn't mend the car so we had to wait for a tow truck which came and took us home.

Once in the two truck I calmed down completely but immediately started to worry how the event would effect me. By the end of the evening, however, I realised that everything was okay and we had always been safe and it was me overreacting as usual.

So on to today. Felt pretty good all day. Went to see my counsellor who had left me a message that he couldn't see me today. I wasn't that bothered to be honest and just drove home again. No stress. Mother-in-law visited later on and for once she didn't wind me up which is progress! All in all a very normal day which is great. I am rather chuffed that I enjoyed yesterday and didn't flip out when we broke down. I feel that having to deal with the car has moved me forward a bit. If I can cope with a situation like that then day-to-day stuff seems much less daunting.

Agitation

I have been so irritated today! Everything hubby said I seemed to take the wrong way. I think it is PMT (joy!). Felt extremely anxious this morning. Went out with hubby to do some bits - the usual stuff, shopping, visit Mum, etc. Went into the dreaded Tesco which I coped with but with legs of jelly. I'm getting fed up with this feeling now. Very irritated at Mum's. She has a bad knee which is a bit of a worry at the moment. My brother was there and so the bungalow was a bit crowded (it's not very big). Hubby started barking orders about his coffee, a glass of water, etc., and I snapped at him. Definitely PMT!

Once home I got on with hoovering in preparation for this evening. I fitted in a meditation session, too. Felt very anxious as it got later and nearer to my friends visiting. Of course, once they arrived I calmed down although I felt a little annoyed that they were there (!). However, the evening went well and I went to bed exhausted and determined not to be such a grouch tomorrow.

Gloomy gloomy

A bit of an Eeyore day. The heavens opened in the morning which never helps my mood. My aim had been to go out in the morning to get some Christmas cards and some shopping but hubby wanted to get some bookwork done so I busied myself about the house waiting for him. Eventually after lunch he was ready to go out and by this time I was completely anxious for some reason. If I think about it I was probably frustrated because I didn't feel I could go on my own. Once out I was very anxious but managed to do the shopping alone which is an achievement, even if it didn't feel very nice.

Home again and the anxiety was at full pelt. I busied myself putting the shopping away and writing cards which eventually calmed me.

I needed to put up the decorations as I have friends around tomorrow night. We got them out and hubby left me to get on with it, which is normal. My mood dipped completely while I was dressing the tree and I shed a few tears. For the rest of the evening my mood has remained low. I am sure it is just a bad day, yesterday was good so I am certain this mood will lift soon. It is just so frustrating to feel good for a bit, and begin to push myself and then to fall back a bit. To be honest, today I have felt lonely. Hubby has been up in the office for most of the day, apart from when he took me to the shops, and I have felt a bit irritated and excluded which is daft because really it was just a normal day. I guess I have got used to being 'looked after' for most of the day so now I need to become more independent. It really bothered me that I was waiting for hubby so I could get things done and I really need to address this. I shall made a concerted effort to go out alone more regardless of how anxious I feel. I know nothing bad will happen to me - it never does. The worst that does happen is I get hot and shaky and that can happen whether I am with someone or alone, I just need to force myself to do things.

Tomorrow will be better. I will visit Mum and I have friends round for the evening so I have plenty of preparations to do.

I must remember how much I have improved over the past couple of weeks. I am sleeping better and I am nowhere nearly as tearful. I am driving more and am feeling happier in general. A few weeks ago I felt low and tearful every day and now I am disappointed when I feel like it for one day! I suppose I just want things to hurry up so I can get back to work and all the confidence that gives me.

An eventful day

We planned to visit R............. and walk along the seafront with him and the dogs. Hubby has some work to do and thought he'd be back in time but instead I needed to drive there with the dogs alone. Did it no problem! Met up with hubby, parked car and headed off. I was absolutely fine until I saw Roger and then the anxiety kicked in and I started trembling. I managed to conceal how I was feeling but walking back to the hospital was very difficult with my legs like jelly and my head rushing. Still, nothing terrible happened and the feeling passed. I drove home alone with some anxiety but nothing out of control.

Back at home the trembling began again so I busied myself with wrapping Christmas presents which didn't really help so I listened to my relaxation tape which really helped. Hubby came home and wanted us to visit P.............. as he is home for the weekend. I could've done with resting but instead we went and I admit it was lovely to see him.

We had a dinner/dance to go to in the evening and I began to fret over it. Of course, the anxiety grew and I sat down and talked through it with hubby, in between sobs. That helped calm me down. I knew I had to go to prove to myself that I can still socialise and be 'normal' but the old fears were strong.

Boy, was I nervous! I barely knew anyone but luckily the venue was familiar. Once seated I started to relax a little and just tried to enjoy myself and I ended up having a lovely time! Got to bed at 2am feeling very proud of myself.

Another step

Today I feel happier. The sun began to show its face which cheered me up. Went to my doctor's appointment - all my tests are clear which is good news I suppose. Part of me wanted there to be a physical cause for my anxiety. Oh well. Today, since I got up, I have been trembly. Is this anxiety or a side-effect? The doctor thinks it may be the reintroduction of the Effexor and will pass in a few weeks. I had some anxiety before going to the gym and tried some deep breathing exercises and writing down my feelings. Basically once its all written down, it makes more logical sense and the 'out of control' anxiety is replaced with common sense. I was worried about the drive, having a panic attack at the gym, all the usual things. Anyway there was no problem at all! In fact, the session went very well and I could feel my confidence coming back. Hurrah! The trembling went pretty quickly after that so I think I can put it down to anxiety.

I feel quite proud of myself for coping with the anxiety and working through it on my own - another step forward.

Small setbacks

Okay, so yesterday started off well. Decided to drive to my aunt's to drop off some clothes I'd promised her daughter. A bit nervous because the drive is a few miles which is more than I've driven for a few months but off I went and it went fine. I had lunch with her and drove back and that went okay too. I felt very pleased with myself. However, the afternoon was completely different. I started to worry about the function we are going to on Saturday. That is, what am I going to wear? My dresses are all too big now apart from one which I decided made me look too thin. I searched the internet frantically trying to find a suitable dress and finally ordered one. I thought I'd feel better afterwards but this anxiety and irritability wouldn't shift. So then I tried to analyse it and decided it was because I had visited R............ and P............. the previous day.

A wonderful thing happened mid-evening. R............... phoned me from the hospital. He'd had a great day, they'd allowed him out for a short while and it really had done him the world of good. He sounded almost like his old self and my mood immediately lifted. It has made me more determined to continue to visit him despite how it makes me feel.

This morning I went to see my counsellor. I was again anxious and irritated and thought he'd help, as I usually feel better after talking to him, but today I felt no better. He helped me put things into perspective, however. After lunch went out with hubby to do the usual errands and visit Mum. Had a lovely visit with Mum, she is alot happier and I relaxed there. Needed to go to the dreaded Tesco and did it without panicking but I was trembling the whole time.

All day I have felt on edge and trembly and I don't know why. Even now, sitting in my lounge my heart is thudding and I am on edge. I wonder if I am having withdrawal from the Prozac and Diazepam that I used to take. I haven't taken either for a week so I don't know. I am seeing the doctor tomorrow so I will ask her. Of course, it could just be a bad day and I am over-analysing as usual!

I have to admit I am not looking forward to the Christmas period. Saturday I have a function to go to in a dress I'm not happy with (the dress I ordered looked even worse!) and then next Tuesday I have my ladies group visiting for mince pies and wine. Then the following weekend I have hubby's mother's birthday lunch and to be honest I just can't be bothered! It's not like me - usually I love this part of the year and look forward to Christmas but this year it feels like a chore, something to drag myself through. I don't want to feel like this, I want to enjoy myself but how do I change my way of thinking?

Achievement

Yesterday was good. Hubby wanted to go and buy a new camera and I went along for the ride, stupidly thinking we would be parking near the shop. We had to park a good distance and my first reaction was to stay in the car. Hubby wasn't having that and so I gave it a go. Halfway there I was anxious I tried to turn back but hubby wasn't having that either so I resigned myself to feeling awful and just doing it. Boy, my legs were shaking and I felt sick. We got in the shop and hubby was saying 'so where is this panic attack? Come on, I want to see it!' Of course, it never happened and I walked back okay - walking faster that usual and with shaky legs but I did it! I didn't know whether to hit hubby or hug him. Definitely a step forward. Tried to nap after doing my relaxation tape but couldn't so gave up. It didn't give me any anxiety though which is great. Today was very good. Went to visit R........... and P............ They are both in the same ward which is good. Saw P............ first. He's going home for the weekend which is fantastic. Again we had to park a distance from the hospital which gave me some anxiety but I was determined to see them so, with shaky legs I managed it. Then we visited R.............. It was a shock to see him looking so weak but I could see how pleased he was to see me which made it totally worthwhile. I managed to control the anxiety and emotion I was feeling and am so proud to have done it. Afterwards we parked and walked to shops to get hubby some trainers and I coped with that amazingly well. I guess I was desensitized by then! Got home feeling exhausted but very pleased with myself.

Families!

I was feeling pretty okay until I began visiting members of the family. Needed to drop my neice's birthday present off so that was the first stop. The whole family seemed to be in battle with each other and so I left there feeling agitated and wound up. On to Tesco to buy a few bits and it was so busy, it was horrible. I managed to keep my anxiety under control but it was hard work and I was glad to get out. Next stop was to see Mum. She opened the door in tears, her dog had had a fit (he is epileptic) and had knocked her over and she now wants to rehome him. Hubby just rolled his eyes. By the time we got home I was totally fed up with everyone plus is was raining and windy and dark. Hubby was in a bad mood too.

I managed to sort out the dog problem, she is having a behaviour specialist visit next week, so Mum is feeling happier. My brother phoned and has fallen out with his mate so he's upset, in fact, I think everyone I'd spoken to was having a crisis of some sort! Both me and my husband are dreading Christmas. Hubby wants to go on the boat, just the two of us, but we have obligations to our parents.

We have a ball to go to on Saturday and so I tried on my dresses which, of course, all hang off me and look terrible so that really cheesed me off.

All in all a rotten, miserable day which left me feeling low.

This morning the sun is out (hurray!) and hubby has gone out to do some work. I am feeling a bit wound up, probably as a result of yesterday and a little concerned that maybe the Effexor isn't working as well as I thought. This is purely negative thinking I know. I keep reminding myself that it is perfectly natural to feel wound up after a rotten day and this is not a sign of me going backwards.

One thing yesterday made me realise is that I am so lucky to have a happy marriage while is seems everyone around me isn't happy with their lot. My depression is clinical and not circumstantial and there is a big difference so maybe I should give thanks that I have been shown this.

Achievement

Even better yesterday. Head felt very muzzy during the morning, coupled with a little anxiety. After lunch felt really sleepy but instead of laying around we took the dogs for a long walk. I was a little apprehensive about this because last time I took them out I felt terrible but actually I woke up a bit and had no anxiety! Once home C.............. came to visit which was lovely. She's very relaxing and never judges you.

On to the evening and the sponsored wax. I was determined to do it and managed to get myself focussed on getting on with it. Prepared everything well in advance and went. Had to wait around a bit beforehand which was annoying but didn't cause any anxiety. There were quite a few people at the venue and it was decided that I do the men's legs on the dance floor. Gulp! I started fine and then realised that everybody was surrounding me, watching! Another gulp! I did begin to feel anxious now - basically I was performing for an audience! Anyway, I laughed with them all and got it done, a bit wobbly on my feet but otherwise fine. I did it! And I managed to help them raise £800 so I am really proud of myself. Boy, some men have very hairy legs!

It really did me good to push myself to do that. I really achieved something and did it with a smile on my face. I am on my way back into my life.

Betterish

I feel so much better! Okay, my head is very fuzzy, sort of like a hangover, but I am no longer depressed which feels wonderful. Actually wanted to do stuff, rather than have to make myself. I drove to the gym nervously (had quite a bit of anxiety beforehand) and felt very shaky while exercising. My instructor is great and let me go at my own pace. It was really the drive home I was worried about because last time I had a panic attack driving back from the gym. Anyway I did it by repeating positive thoughts to myself ('I am growing in confidence with every turn of the wheels') - it sounds daft but it seemed to work!

Of course, once home the anxiety stopped, as I expected. I relaxed for a bit, listening to a self-hypnosis recording, which certainly relaxed me. After that I felt incredibly lazy which is a novel feeling for me at the moment.

Hubby is being more receptive today and athough he kept busy in the office we are definitely connecting more. Perhaps he has realised that it is worth taking the Effexor to see me feeling better.

A good, positive day.

Today I have the sponsored wax and at the moment I am not dreading it. If I can do that with a smile on my face I will know I am on the way!

!

Is is psychological or do I really feel alot better? Went to see my counsellor, I was very nervous and anxious but once we got started it was brilliant. I offloaded everything that has been going on, including my reaction to my friends' illnesses. I also told him what I'd been up to since I last saw him, 5 years ago and, as I was talking, I realised how much I had achieved and how far forward I had gone. That was useful! Got home feeling positive and good.

Hubby is upset that I am again on the Effexor and it shows. Today he is better but yesterday he was really sulking. He wanted to go shopping but I decided to stay home alone. Funnily he said 'I always do everything on my own' when in fact I have been trailing behind him like a puppy for the past two months! You'd think he'd want a break!

Home alone I was very tired and so sat and uploaded stuff on my MP3 player and took things easy for an hour. The tiredness passed and I cleaned the floors. Amazingly I actually felt like doing it rather than forcing myself to.

This morning I woke up early (same as usual) but managed to nod off until 7ish. I'm in a bright and cheery mood and intend to go to the gym at lunchtime. I've actually put on my jewellery for the first time in weeks and smiled at myself in the mirror! Gave hubby a big hug and kiss and he smiled and hugged back so maybe he's okay now.

If this is purely as a result of taking one Effexor tablet after 2 months without, then it is amazing how addicted your body can get to it. I'm sure some of it is psychological but not all - the change is quite dramatic. It's as if my body actually needs this medication - so maybe it does. Time will tell.

Tomorrow I have a sponsored wax to do. I have 15 men's legs to wax for a local charity and at the moment am looking forward to it. A couple of days ago I was dreading it so it will be interesting to see how I am when I'm finally there.

Changes

Half an hour ago I took my first Effexor - no Prozac and no Diazepam. How do I feel? Well, I'm waiting for a bad reaction (how negative!) but also feeling very positive that this is the best course of action. Hubby considers that I am 'giving in' but how long to I suffer for before I regain control of my life? And how much worse would it get?

This morning I am seeing my counsellor. I haven't seen him for 5 years (since I transferred from Seroxat to Effexor!) and am looking forward to a guilt-free unloading session. I want to talk to him about many things but mainly about my reaction to P............. and R............... (father complex perhaps?) and about how hubby is dealing with my situation (or rather, how I can ease his frustrations).

I weighed myself this morning and in the last 2 months I have gone from 9 st 8lbs to 8st 10lbs totally unintentionally. I admit when I look in the mirror I feel diminished and frail. The veins under my skin are more obvious, even on my face and it hurts to sit in the bath because my coxyx is so prominent. I'm not saying that I'm turning into an anorexic (I am eating) just pointing out that the withdrawal effects have had a very physical effect on me. Hopefully I will now see a gain in weight and fit in my jeans again!

Part two

Since last blog I have been to the doctors. I saw a different doctor who was brilliant. She took my blood pressure, listened to my heart, took blood (to check if there is anything going on we're not aware of) and presented me with a huge bottle to pee in over the next 24 hours! She wants to make sure there isn't any other reason for me feeling so anxious, e.g. thyroid, etc. She was very matter of fact which is just what I needed. Apparently my blood pressure is just as high as it was before so all this withdrawal has been a bit pointless. She wants me to stop taking the Prozac and the Diazepam as, in her words, 'I think we can assume they're not doing any good' and go back on the Effexor. Again in her words 'it's not failing, it's getting your life back'. I'm seeing her next week to get the test results and go from there. I have since discovered that pharmacies can make up lower doses of Effexor by hand if necessary so there is no reason why, when I do reduce again, I can't taper off more slowly as I believe that the fast way I did it is what caused all these adverse effects.

Hubby isn't really very happy with this outcome, but I put it to him that surely he would want me functioning normally again, rather than spiralling downwards? To this he agreed!

My boss came to visit which was lovely. We just chatted and caught up and he is being very supportive.

R.............. has been transferred to a closer hospital which is excellent news although he isn't really improving. I think being nearer to home, where people can visit more often, will boost his morale.

I have felt better today for seeing the doctor. It has definitely perked me up, I feel in control again - taking charge and getting heard. To be honest, I would've started taking the Effexor again a month ago but didn't because I didn't want to let hubby down. Believe me, I don't want to be taking the Effexor again but I need to get on with my life, I need to feel happy and enthusiastic and have energy and want to do things et al.

Tomorrow I begin the Effexor and I must admit I am a little worried how my body will react to the change. There are several options: either I will feel dizzy and anxious (no change!) and rotten or I will feel elated and over-excited, or I will just feel ... normal. I'll just have to wait and see!

It's amazing how taking charge and making decisions can effect the day. I've had a fuzzy head all day but I have managed to take on B & Q and Tesco with no anxiety! Mind you, I am very tired now but it shows how important it is to be in control of your life rather than let someone else make all the decisions.

Decisions

Yesterday was bad. I felt very low and anxious. Managed to get things done but I was incredibly anxious for most of the day. Hubby has closed off and is totally fed up with me. Made an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow. The anxiety is so bad I can't think straight and the Diazepam is making me more depressed. After lunch hubby had a meeting to go to and then visited R..................... so I stayed at home and read, knitted and texted. I did some meditation that helped me relax so by the time he got home I felt a little better.

I am really worried about hubby. I think this is starting to effect our marriage. Last night I made a monumentous effort to behave normally. Helping prepare dinner, acting lighthearted and interested in things - I really tried hard.

So this morning I woke up at about 5.30am and did some thinking. I can't let this continue as it's ruining my life. I have support by I can't lean on my friends 24-7 and hubby is suffering badly. Hubby is everything to me and although he doesn't want me to (and we haven't discussed it) I am going to ask the doctor to switch back to Effexor. I have tried so hard but now enough is enough, it's frightening me how my life has just halted. As the weeks go on I am not really improving, just becoming more anxious and confined. For my own sake as well as that of my marriage I need to be sensible and do what I feel is right.

To be honest I don't think hubby will even argue with me about this. I think he needs his own life back now, too.

Reaching out

A difficult day. I decided to stay home while hubby did his errands - to see how I would be alone. Not good! Began procrastinating which is the worst thing and the anxiety just kept coming. So with no-one to turn to I had to turn to myself. First I phoned C.................. and apologised for falling out with her. Of course there were tears on both sides but it was good to make amends and be in touch again. So that was good. Then I decided I needed to seek alternative help. Hubby is not a counsellor and I can't imagine the NHS deciding to offer me one so I phoned my previous counsellor T............. and made an appointment for Thursday morning. At least with him I can offload and he guides me and I don't feel guilty.

So after another bit of procrastination and feeling very sorry for myself and a few more tears I took half a Diazepam to calm myself down and began to write Christmas cards which kept me occupied until hubby came home for lunch.

After lunch I perked up (hubby being home?) and we went to visit some friends which was nice. I drove, too! Then we went to the gym. I coped with this easily although I took things easy. I went to bed a bit later than usual with a slight feeling of 'what is tomorrow going to be like?'.

This morning I woke up at 6.00am and the anxiety began. Thoughts began rushing through my head and after a bit I took half a Diazepam and nodded off again, only to awake a bit later still feeling anxious. Grrr! I had alot of anxious thoughts running through my head and these only began to subside once I got up and showered, etc.

Today I am going out with hubby and plan to do some supermarket shopping - a smaller supermarket this time - to see how I feel. I feel fragile and want to be kind to myself today.

A step back

Yesterday we headed off to the boat for the day. I wasn't bothered whether we went or not but to be honest I really couldn't be bothered. I felt very anxious on the journey there, while on the boat, couldn't wait to get off the boat, and was tearful on the boat and on the journey home. It seemed to be that I was mentally stuck in this bubble of anxiety and incapability. Once home I relaxed a little but my mood remained lower than it has been for about a week.

Had the realisation that hubby will be off skiing in January and 'will I be alright by then?' so another anxiety is added to the pot.

So this morning I am anxious and pretty close to taking some Diazepam to relieve the anxiety but I now that it makes me feel depressed so I am resisting for as long as possible. I plan to get stuck into some much-needed housework today while hubby is out and then we both go to the gym late afternoon.

I am beginning to consider undergoing some counselling or hypnotherapy (as I have done in the past). I think this would be a positive step forward.

A challenging day

Okay, so visited hubby's brother with lack of enthusiasm. Visiting P.............. next and I am worrying about it. Managed to squeeze in a successful visit to Tesco. Arrived at hospital nervous but determined and remained anxious throughout the stay. P............... is looking fine, and we had a lovely chat but I just wanted to leave. Thankfully I resisted the urge to flee and the anxiety reduced a little - enough to cope.

I'm so glad I saw P.............. but it has upset me greatly. Shed a few tears at home, probably a release of the anxiety and thought that was it. Oh no, of course not! Had to stop eating dinner when the anxiety turned into panic and I ended up sobbing my heart out. Hubby was great and hugged me and let me get it out of my system but I am so angry at myself. I know you should never beat yourself up but it's only natural. Why can't I do a simple thing like visit a friend in hospital without breaking down? I think I was so wound up beforehand that my body needed a way to release all that negative emotion. I'm so disappointed to have cried like that and felt like that after 4 or 5 days of feeling so positive. I know it's just a setback and it will improve but it's just so frustrating!

Woke up early this morning full of anxiety. We are going to the boat for the day and I'm not looking forward to the journey. Once I got up and got going I began to feel calmer but I am still anxious. The Diazepam is ready in my handbag just in case! I must remember that this is a minor setback and I am still on the way up.

Getting easier dare I say

I went to the gym! Got hubby to drop me off because my concentration while driving is not great at the moment. Really enjoyed the experience, everyone was pleased to see me and I took it slowly and could feel my confidence rise. I feel this is such an achievement! Also, had some good news: P........... (my first friend to have a stroke) has improved so much he has been transferred more locally. Today I am going to visit him - I feel I can cope better now.

The tears I shed (briefly) today were tears of joy for my friend and his family and not tears of anquish and self-pity. That is real progress!

I became fatigued at about 4pm which is alot later than usual. I kind of 'zoned out' and just sat in the armchair watching TV for about an hour before I felt I could make any effort. It went off and after dinner we both went to see friends for an hour or so. I was a little agitated to be going out for the evening but once we were there things were fine and I felt 'normal'!

Hubby's behaviour towards me has changed for the better. He was getting really frustrated but can now see me improving and it has lightened his mood which is wonderful.

So I have some challenges today: visit P.............. plus we have hubby's brother to visit, although that isn't really a challenge - just an effort.

Agitation

Second blog today as alot has happened. Still have my twinkle (yey!) but feeling quite keyed up. Dogs getting under my feet, which they always do when I'm agitated - they must know! Mother in law calls round. I love her dearly but she is absolutely scatty and drives me mad at the best of times. She just kept going on and on about absolutely nothing and I tried to keep calm but she was really winding me up. The dogs picked up on this as well and began really playing up, ripping up magazines! So I dealt with it by telling off the dogs and clearing up the mess and removing myself from the situation. Fine but Mother in law follows me! Arrgh! I just give in and try to let it wash over me which was beginning to work until my Mum phones. Mothers! She was worrying about her dog and wanted me to take it to the vet over nothing. So now they're in stereo! I calm her down and arrange to see her later. Finally rid of both mothers sat and had lunch and chilled a bit.

I was planning to drive today and so took hubby around town for some errands and then onto visit Mum. I was really tired by now but figured that as this happens every day I could work through it, which I did. Called into Tesco (oh how I love that shop - joke) and coped pretty well. Still agitated but it had remained at the same level most of the day so I felt I could cope with Tesco, which I did... until ...

Phone call from brother while in Tesco. He's been away walking with a friend in the Lakes and is coming home today. Phones to tell me they had to call Mountain Rescue and am I sitting down?! You know what's coming - I immediately panic, grab keys and leave hubby at the checkout to go to car. Once in the car I sat and breathed for a few moments to collect myself before ringing brother back. Of course he is fine, they just got lost and it got dark and they didn't have a torch. I just kept thinking "I can't take any more bad news". Anyway he was nearly home and we met up at Mum's.

As soon as I saw him I felt relief. Sorted out Mum with the dog (which has nothing wrong with him except a bad diet) and gradually relaxed. Phew! Drove home feeling fine.

On the up side - I coped with it all. I didn't explode with rage when I was being wound up by mothers, I didn't lose my temper with the dogs, I didn't fall asleep at the wheel, I didn't collapse in Tesco - I dealt with it all and I still have my twinkle! It feels like there is some force somewhere aiming obstacles at me to see how I will cope with them. Well, I am coping even though I am as anxious as hell I am beginning to realise it gets to a point and then doesn't get any worse. It's like the books says 'Feel the Fear and do it Anyway'!

Twinkle

Yesterday I got some sparkle back! The anxiety was still there but my personality and, dare I say, happiness is peeking through. Helped some friends move flats - I was anxious but I was also chatty and laughing! Lunchtime my energy dipped. I was hungry and needed to get home but we needed some bread. So hubby parks the car a good distance from the shop. I immediately said 'I'm on a low, the car is too far away, you do it'. So negative! Anyway he chivvies me along and off I go, trembling and feeling hard done by. Of course, nothing terrible happened and I even had a joke with the staff.

Felt much better after eating lunch but really, really tired. No, I didn't nap! I got on with some chores and then, still tired, went online to do some CBT. Refocussing definitely helped because the complete fatigue faded into just a slight tiredness.

Something is definitely changing. Maybe the Effexor is finally through with me; maybe the Prozac is kicking in more; maybe leaving the Diazepam alone is lifting my mood; maybe all the self-help books and websites are hitting home. I don't know but all I do know is it feels good. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, there are going to be dips, especially if I try to push myself too hard, so I'm just going to make the most of it and go gently.

This morning I woke up anxious but eager to start the day. No dread, just optimism. Let's see what the day brings!

Another step forward

Woke up at a normalish time (progress!) and headed off with hubby to delivery an engine (don't ask!). Relaxing drive there but felt exhausted by the time we reached our destination. The buyer insisted I come in for a coffee which I did out of politeness and gradually perked up (out of necessity). I am too polite for my own good! Anyway, they were lovely people with a lovely greyhound to fuss over so it wasn't too bad.

And so the journey home. Hubby is very much into bio-diesel and the car we were using is run on this. It causes problems occasionally and this was no exception. The car kept cutting out on the way home which became quite hairy at times and, although I managed somehow to keep calm, I could feel myself slipping into unreality. By the time we got home I was starving and very shaky so quickly ate a sandwich and decided to have a lie down. You would think I would've learned from last time! Woke up after 15 minutes with a start, full of anxiety and panic. With a bit of a harsh talk from hubby I got up and refocussed on other stuff. Washing hair, going on Internet, stuff like that. Sat with half a Diazepam in front of me and am proud to say I didn't take it. The anxiety passed without resorting to medication.

Hubby went out to visit R................. so I had tea and decided to have a cigarette. The adreline rush was incredible and I really went into a panic. Again instead of resorting to Diazepam or a glass of wine I busied myself cleaning the kitchen (all the while trembling) and then sat down with the TV and some knitting. After a while I realised that I was completely calm and relaxed and a big grin spread over my face. It does pass! I can do it without having to take something to relax me. I can take control! My mood lifted and I excitedly told hubby of my experience when he got home. My mood was great for the rest of the evening and I went to be looking forward to the morning. How wonderful!

This morning I woke at a normalish time (again!) with the normal morning anxiety and got straight up, made breakfast and got things going. I have a determination in my mind that today is going to be better. My mood is brighter (maybe because I haven't taken any Diazepam?) so let's see what the day brings.

Time alone

I think there was progress yesterday. No, I know there was. Hubby wants us both to visit R......... tonight which made me immediately defensive and anxious. Told him I would decide later and, of course, it immediately began to worry me. Hubby had boring stuff to do so I decided to stay home and get on with the housework and my online CBT. All okay. Stopped mid morning for a break and decided to have a cigarette (I have just about stopped smoking since coming off the Effexor - down to 3-4 a day). My anxiety level shot up. Okay, I thought, let's work through this so I began ironing and sorting out Christmas cards. No, it didn't pass. So I took half a Diazepam which had some effect although it wasn't fantastic. It did however help me to think more calmly.

I have an inkling that Diazepam may be contributing to the depressive feelings I am having. Not sure yet, but am watching for connections.

Popped next door to see R.............. wife and she how she is. R.............. is progressing thankfully. I explained to her that I couldn't visit him because I felt too upset and, I am sorry to say, I began to cry. I have been worrying so much about him. She was totally fine with it and very understanding and I am glad I spoke to her.

Back home the anxiety rose again and I tried something new. I tried to allow it to do its worst. It rose up and then got no further. So nothing terrible does happen if you allow it to manifest. Maybe this is better than struggling to fight it. I'm not sure yet. It's one theory I haven't tried before. The anxiety didn't really subside until hubby got home (connection?). I'm pleased I 'coped' with being alone for a big part of the day and I guess it's not surprising that I was anxious as this is the first time in weeks.

Went with hubby to the gym for the first time in 3 weeks. People at gym very pleased to see me and my trainer took things very gently with me. I tired really quickly and so I stopped when I felt I'd done enough.

My mood today has been strange. Quite upbeat first thing, then anxious, then depressed, then a lowish mood for the remainder of the day. Hubby is distancing himself from the problem and trying to get things back to normal.

So definitely a few positive steps today. Home alone, gym, speaking with R............ wife. Coping!

Monday, 19th November 2007

I woke up first at 3.30am but managed to get straight back to sleep and woke fully at about 7.00am. Immediately began my breathing exercises and then got up to do this blog.

Yesterday was dull and boring. The weather was very cold and windy and I really didn’t want to venture out. Still, the day has to be filled and the worst thing to do is just loll about. So we went to the Range to find some beads and wire for jewellery making. I began having an anxiety dip as soon as we got there. I didn’t really feel like going, which never helps, and my heart just wasn’t in it. I had a brief look around, couldn’t see what I wanted so left. Managed to pop into the Co-op on the way back although I was still feeling anxious and low (I refuse to say ‘depressed’).

D........... called round which was lovely. I felt tired and low but as her visit progressed I perked up a bit. When she left hubby was really bored and so we went to visit Mum which turned out to be a nice visit. I was feeling really tired! I think for most of the day I was on a low, not always anxious but the weather and lack of activity definitely affected me.

Did another module on the ‘living life to the full’ cognitive behaviour therapy website the doctor recommended. Also did some reading on anxiety tips. I have got some work on my hands now, I need to be proactive and work to reduce the anxiety so I have breathing exercises to do to begin with.

My memory is terrible at the moment! I guess the anxiety is compromising my concentration.

I need to give my days more structure and I am beginning to. Hence the blog each morning. I am driving a bit more which is a major plus but my life is feeling very limited at the moment.

So, today the plan is to get some housework done (dull but necessary!), do something creative, such as scrapbooking and tonight visit R................. which is going to take some guts but he wants to see me.

Keeping going

Yesterday was an odd day. J............. was going home after lunch so in the morning we popped into town to do a little more shopping (did I mention I love shopping?!). I felt anxious, yes, but coped well and didn't rush or hurry. Back at home, however, I had a dip. Felt tired, anxious and emotions were welling up. Eventually of course the tears came but they didn't last long which was good. After lunch drove J............ to the railway station and then went to visit my friend, C........... This particular friend is a nurse and has a wonderful calming aura about her. She doesn't ask how you are she just is there. So anyway I saw her and her family and enjoyed a couple of hours there. So far so good.

Later in the afternoon, when I am usually perking up and feeling quite normal I had another dip. (two in one day?) I kept this one to myself and let the tears out in private, ran a bath which helped and then got on with it. Cuddled up with hubby on the sofa and it all passed. I believe that although I wanted J.............. to visit and enjoyed her stay, I found the effort exhausting and am feeling a bit fragile because of it. I am so sensitive at the moment it is unbelieveable!

This morning I woke up at 4.30(!) took half a Diazepam and managed to sort of sleep until 7.30. The morning is definitely the worst as I have all sorts of thoughts rushing through my head non-stop. The best thing to do is get up and become occupied with other things athough I did try some relaxation techniques first but the thoughts kept interrupting.

So today a work friend, D............. is visiting and I'm looking forward to that. I am feeling very needy and so the more attention I get the better I feel (just like a child I guess). I'm not sure if I am progressing or not but I do know that I am trying to progress and am pushing myself more so that is progress in itself, isn't it?

I am aiming to take up a new hobby of jewellery making to keep my mind focussing on something else and today I'm off to the shops to get some supplies. Isn't this what they call occupational therapy?!!

Two steps forward ... plus a little bit of realisation

J .............. and I decided to pop into town to do a bit of retail therapy. I drove and the first shop was fine. The second shop was a little less fine and then I needed to return to the car. Anxiety - just plain old-fashioned anxiety. We sat and talked in the car and just as I was beginning to feel better I started crying. I am so over-emotional at the moment it is unbelievable. The crying only lasted about a minute and then I began to calm down and feel better. It's a bit like a kettle boiling, starting gradually and then bubbling over. And, of course, once the kettle has boiled, it stops bubbling and calms down. I am a human kettle!

I refused to stop our shopping trip but needed to find a way of handling it with as little anxiety as possible so, mad as it sounds, I reparked the car nearer to the other shops we wanted to go to. It worked and we did everything we set out to do. At home my energy level really dipped and my mood dipped a bit. I just felt exhausted with all the effort and dishearted by my anxiety. I am so hard on myself. I made great progress and because of a minor setback I am beating myself up. I'm always the same, I take a step forward and then expect to be able to run. It's just my personality.

Had lunch, allowed myself to wallow for a bit and then walked the dogs with hubby. Instantly felt better! I guess it is because my mind was taken off myself and I was focussing on something else. Anway, the walk was great and got home feeling really positive.

Mid-evening I felt really drowsy - is this the Prozac finally beginning to do its stuff? Maybe the efforts of the day were catching up on me. Anyway it passed and the evening was fine.

This morning I woke at 5am (!) so, as suggested by the doctor, I took half a Diazepam then and managed to sleep until 7.30. Strange though because I don't feel like I actually fell back to sleep - difficult to explain. Anyway I woke up feeling a bit anxious and with a feeling of dread. After a bit of wallowing (which I must stop) I got up and began the day. J............ is going home today so we plan to pop out to one last shop this morning. Part of me doesn't want her to go and she is diverting my attention prevent me facing other issues but part of me needs her to go.

Realisation: I now believe that the Effexor withdrawal is over. The drug is well and truly out of my system and the symptoms I am experiencing now are psychological. I have lost an enormous amount of self-confidence and am quite fearful of the future although I have absolutely no doubt that I will return to normal. I guess I am just not very patient! I think now I am going to have to push myself a little harder and stop blaming Effexor for my feelings. The withdrawal definitely triggered the anxiety, of that I have no doubt, but now it is purely my old anxiety problems trying to take control. I believe the Prozac is beginning to work, which is why I am starting to get good days but it does take time. I am impatient!

Dare I say a bit better?

Woke up a bit later, still anxious but at least I slept more. J............ coming to stay today so got on with the housework. Felt a bit stressed (mainly dogs under my feet) but did everything I intended and even managed to interact with mum-in-law when she called round. Sat and rested after lunch until it was time to collect J......... from train station. I'm finding driving weird, it's almost as if I'm learning to do things again - this withdrawal has certainly sapped my confidence.

Anyway the driving was no problem except I began to feel very tired and by the time we got back I was exhausted. It was lovely to see her and I soon bucked up again. She had been wonderfully supportive and its so good to have her here. Also it has given me something to look forward to rather than just 'another dreary day'.

So today I have to keep her entertained, at least for some of the day! We are going into town to do a bit of shopping and see how I feel. It's nice and sunny so that always helps.

I am definitely beginning to feel that I should try to do things even if I don't feel like it because then I will build up my confidence.

By the way, R.......... is a bit better - not so drowsy and now sitting up so that is excellent news.

Talking helps

So, woke up anxious as usual and keen to get to doctor's at 10.30. My doctor was brilliant. He listened, advised and calmed me. He has recommended that I have cognitive behaviour therapy for my negative thoughts and anxiety. Getting CBT in my area is like gold dust so I am certainly grateful! He helped me to see that alot of the anxiety is being caused by negative thoughts such as, it's the Effexor's fault I feel like this - I am obviously addicted - no one is really listening or caring, etc, etc. I felt so much better after talking to him and had a brilliant day! Got home feeling very positive and promptly drove over to Mum's (alone) for lunch before collecting dogs from groomers (alone). Felt a little anxious at Mum's at first but settled down and collecting the dogs was a breeze. Mind you, once home I was exhausted!

I made a conscious decision not to visit R.......... for a few days. I think his stroke has left me in shock (especially being the second friend in 3 weeks to have one) and seeing him shook me. I feel I need to concentrate on making myself stronger. It is selfish I know but he has plenty of support around him and me being ill doesn't help him at all.

Today J............. is coming for a few days and I'm really looking forward to it. The housework needs to be attended to so that's what I plan to do this morning! The sun is out and I feel positive. I think things are beginning to improve.

Getting bored now

Yesterday I was so determined to move forward. Got up, exercised, made breakfast and got on with day. All with anxiety. Went with hubby to help clear out his workshop which I thought would help keep me occupied. It did for a bit but then woah! Anxiety major. Keeping busy stopped helping and I took half a Diazepam. Boy did that knock me out! It felt horrible and actually frightened me how drugged I felt.

Hubby is trying to get me to cope in various ways - managed to get me into Tesco while I was feeling terrible and, of course, I coped and relaxed a little (I hate it when he's right!). At lunch late which was no good thing as hunger seems to make everything worse and then, well, I felt I needed to let all this anxiety out and didn't know how. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I felt so depressed. Hubby was distant (probably totally fed up with me now) and so I phoned Aunt who wasn't in. It's almost like something is telling me I have to do this on my own. I listened to my meditation tape which really did help focus me and get me back down to earth.

Once calmer I began to see things more clearly. Texted my poor friend and apologised for being such a cow yesterday. After all, how was she to know what I was feeling?! Went out for the evening - just to friends to watch a slide show but enjoyed myself and felt good. Amazing! Why are the days so hard and the evenings fine? Today I am seeing the doctor and I will be asking him this. Maybe my medication needs to be taken at a different time or, as I feel, needs a temporary boost to kick-start.

Maybe this is all in my mind now and nothing to do with withdrawal. They say these drugs aren't addictive but psychologically I am sure they are.

So today I will talk things through with doctor and see where that leaves me. I am going to try not to put any pressure on myself. J............... is visiting tomorrow for a few days which I am looking forward to. I know she will help me clear my head.

The last time I felt this unbalanced was when, you guessed it, my medication was changed from Seroxat to Effexor. I'm sure it wasn't this bad but it was a while ago now so it probably was and I'm choosing to forget. There is an anger I am feeling for whatever reason so maybe I'll try punching some cushions!

A challenging day

I have decided to write my blog in the evening rather than first thing. I think its best to start each day with a fresh slate.

My energy levels are definitely up and I am no longer fatigued in the afternoon which is nice. Pretty good morning until R.......... son called round. He was upset and said that R.......... had had another stroke in the night and was much worse. This upset and frightened me. Upset for his family and frightened because I am visiting him this evening which I was dreading anyway. I hate hospitals at the best of times. So of course I spent the rest of the afternoon working myself up into a right state of anxiety. Decided to phone my friend, C......... Was that a mistake or what?! She was about to have a nap and could she call me back later. She knows about my withdrawal difficulties and she brushed me aside. I was fuming! Told hubby who was disgusted. 10 minutes later C.......... phoned and hubby told her that she had upset me and couldn't talk to me. She obviously realised she had made a mistake. Still fuming I worked it off on the cross trainer which helped calm me down but I really needed to offload on someone other than hubby. Spoke to J............. who said all the right things and helped me to see that I could cope with going to the hospital and would feel better for it. C............. texted me and apologised. Well, she can stew!

Just before leaving for the hospital I felt extremely anxious, dry mouth, shaking, the works. Really gave myself a good talking to and just got in the car and went. I was so nervous but determined not to let R............. down. It was a shock seeing him but somehow I found enough inner strength to cope. Of course I did, it is never as bad as imagined! I am so glad I did it, I conquered a fear and didn't run away from it. Pat on the back for me!

So after having a terribly anxious and tearful day it has ended with success. I am proud of myself for facing my fears and feel I have made a very positive step forward. Sometimes I guess you have to just deal with it!

A strange day

It was an odd day. I think I wasn't looking forward to the day. The weather was overcast and blustery and I had nothing planned after walking the dogs. So my mood, although not depressed, was a little low. We took the dogs for a long walk and partway round a just began to cry, for no reason I just felt so joyless and hopeless. So I walked and walked and talked it out with hubby and it passed, leaving me a bit numb and cross with myself. On the way home I decided to stop at the local garden centre and do some shopping to prove to myself that I am not a useless lump of meat! Of course I coped with it but still wasn't feeling quite right.

Back at home there was a message on the phone, I was execting my friend to call so I listened to it and it was my neighbour's wife, C................ telling us that R......... was in hospital having had a stroke. I sat in shock. This is the second close friend in two weeks this has happened to. Hubby spoke to her and it seems to be mild but they are doing checks, etc. I broke down. R.............. if y9u remember, if the one I seem to need when I am upset (father figure?) and I felt such a huge amount of self-pity. I really felt sick with fear. I don't was to lose him or my other friend.

So when I had stopped crying I realised that I need to get through this withdrawal so I can be there for my friends. I began to feel stronger and 'snapped out of it' and got on with the rest of the day. I felt a little anxious later on when I sat down and had a chance to think but my energy was better and I felt more in control of myself than I have for a long time. I'm not kidding myself, there is a long way to go but I am definitely on my way!

My sister-in-law didn't contact me, I wasn't surprised as I don't think she's ready to open up to me. Fair enough.

Today I woke very early, about 3am, and napped until 6ish. When the anxiety rose I did my breathing meditation which helped but it is difficult to concentrate with so many thoughts rushing through my head. It does help though and I got up when the alarm went off for a change.

Today we are going to visit R............ in hospital. I am scared stiff but will do it for him, I have to.
I am determined today that things are going to start being different.

Good

Day two of no tears. Excellent! Mind you, I am feeling totally exhausted for most of the day. Maybe this is another phase of the withdrawal? Anyway the morning was positive and I coped with the supermarket and visiting Mum although my energy was low. It seems to be at midday that I sap. However, my spirits were positive. Decided to work through the energy low and set about mending some broken ornaments for Mum which had been hanging about for ages. Enjoyed this. It helped me focus and I forgot the fatigue for a while. Fatigue is boring though, what to do to keep yourself occupied when you haven't got any energy?!

Hubby went out and I decided to waste time on the computer which created anxiety! How bizarre. Why was I anxious? Was it because hubby had gone out (I don't think so) or because I was bored? Very odd. Anyway he came home (relief) and then went out again to visit our friend in hospital. This was earlier than I expected and of course the anxiety continued to rise. Playing silly games on the computer was not helping so I turned on the TV and did some Brain Training. This worked a treat! Focusing on something definitely helps. By the time hubby came home I was feeling relaxed and okay.

My brain feels a bit empty today, I think the worries are quieting down. I haven't felt irritable or annoyed when the dogs get under my feet and a good part of the day felt normal. I even decided to give myself a bit of pampering in the bathroom. Listened to my meditation on breathing techniques which relaxed me enomously and I tried the same technique this morning when I woke up. It helped although it was harder because of the morning anxiety. It definitely helped though and I think I stayed in best half an hour longer.

I am beginning to feel that I can take control now. I am working out methods of coping and am finding out what I can and cannot do at the moment. Basically I can't overdo it because when I get tired I begin to feel low, as if I can't be bothered. However, this is significantly better than crying every day!

Today my work friend plans to visit which will be lovely. Also my sister-in-law should be phoning or visiting which will be interesting. I don't know if she will because she holds up so many barriers I am expecting her to make an excuse. I hope she does contact me, at least we can then remove one barrier.

A dry day

Yesterday I didn't cry! That's the first day for at least 2 weeks so it feels like a breakthrough. Got up as usual and went out with hubby just to the bank and newsagent. Fine. Felt a little dip towards the end but handled it by resting with a cup of tea and something to eat. I perked up a little and we took the dogs out. A very windy day but with bright sunshine so I wanted to feel how alive the weather was. We took them to the beach where the waves were crashing and surging - a wonderful sight. We kept the walk relatively short because I began to feel uneasy and didn't want to spoil things. I was ready for home and lunch but hubby wanted to visit our aunt. I was feeling exhausted by this time but went ahead and it was fine. Her daughter wants me to do a sponsored leg wax for the local u13 football team which I do want to do but am concerned about my energy levels. I said yes and am being positive.

Back at home I sat with a bowl of soup and relaxed (!), waiting for my energy to rise. It didn't really but rather than nap, which I could have done easily, I did my Christmas shopping online. Hubby went out to run some errands and I felt quite fine being alone. I was just so tired!

By the time hubby returned I had just finished was was feeling very pleased with myself for two reasons, firstly I had sorted out the Christmas shopping and secondly, and more importantly, I hadn't had a fit of tears. I am reading my Gill Edwards books each day and find them very uplifting and I think they are helping me get things into perspective.

Finally after dinner my energy levels rose enough for me to clear up the kitchen (I was really that tired) and enjoy some TV. I felt happy and very positive and went to bed looking forward to the next day and what it will hold.

So this morning here I am wide awake but not as early as yesterday. My mind is buzzing with all different thoughts. I am still anxious and tried to meditate and deep breathe but my mind is flitting from one thing to another. Sitting here is typing this is helping me to focus and calm my thoughts.

Looking out of the window it is looking very windy and cold, the aim of the day is to visit the boat to drop some things off. We certainly won't be staying in this weather!

One more thing. My birth mother couldn't come as her house had a serious flood warning. I was disappointed but not upset. As I've said before I need to off-load onto her but I can wait another week or so. Maybe we're not ready for it just yet!

Stewing

Yesterday didn't go quite to plan. Got up, etc and hubby went to gym. I began dusting and the anxiety just kept coming. Had to deal with my car insurance which I did but it made me anxious. Of course, it took about half an hour but then the emotions took over and I started crying. I am getting so cheesed off with this now. When hubby returned he gave me a quick hug and said 'right you have 10 minutes to sort yourself out because we have to go to the hairdressers'. So I did. Mind you it took half a Diazepam to calm me sufficiently. I coped with the hairdressers, just. I felt nervous but not anxious and began to tire quite quickly. Still, my hair looks better!

At home the choice was to nap, eat or work through. So I had a hug with a few sobs which annoyed hubby (he thinks its him that is making me cry!) and then ate a bowl of soup. Then things started to improve. I think keeping my blood sugar levels up must be very important because the change was quite dramatic. Within an hour I was feeling okay and busying myself about the house, feeling relatively normal.

Visited neice to give her her birthday present and spent a couple of pleasant hours there socialising. Felt tired but that was all. It really helps to be occupied I think and when I am alone my mind starts turning over and I get wound up. I feel consumed by my 'illness' and need to talk to anyone about it to feel relief. I need to change this as I am now sounding like a broken record and there is only so much hubby can put up with!

My birth mother should be visiting today for the weekend which I am looking forward to. However, due to the flood warnings in her area at the moment I have to wait and see if she can actually leave home.

I am beginning to think that the anxiety is now partly psychological. I am fearful of how the day is going to be and so worry myself into a state. Once I see the day isn't getting any worse then I begin to relax (this is one theory). I'll watch and see today. Maybe if I get out of the house earlier then I can change this pattern.

Little changes

Thanks goodness yesterday was an improvement on the day before! Woke early and tried to do deep breathing exercises which I found hard and didn't seem to help so I took half a Diazepam and got back into bed. It helped as I knew it would. I was a bit wound up first thing even so but once I got the day started things improved greatly. I set out some goals for the day and the best thing was I drove to the chemist alone to collect my prescription and felt no anxiety or fear! On a roll I went out with hubby and did a little shopping. I did not enjoy the first stop, Tesco, and rushed around but still I coped. We went into town and parked as close as we could and went to find some bits for the boat. Thankfully the shops were virtually empty so I immediately relaxed and felt brave enough to try another shop which was busier but not a problem! Great stuff! A little drive onto the next stop which is where I bought some herbal supplements. I did some research and have decided to try to use Valerian instead of the Diazepam, its apparently non-addictive so worth a try. Here I began to flag. Hubby and the shopkeeper found a common interest which kept them chatting which irritated me as I wanted to go. I didn't panic but I did feel my energy drop massively.

Back home I felt exhausted and made myself a drink and something to eat and sunk into an armchair. I then decided to nap. It was bliss to lay down and close my eyes but strangely I couldn't seem to sleep properly. I guess I did nap but not well, and although I felt more energy when I got up, it wasn't an enjoyable experience. Hmm, when I get this energy dip again I'm going to try to meditate instead and see if that helps more.

I went to see a close friend who lives nearby (again driving myself) and, of course, immediately felt emotional. She is great because she doesn't over-react. The tears didn't last very losg and I soon brightened up but I left feeling as if I had almost 'put on' the tears. I think I was expecting to cry and so I did. Maybe they're aren't many tears left!

Once home I could feel the anxiety rise but seemed to be able to cope with it. After dinner had a glass of wine which always helps. Before bed I took a Valerian to see if it would help me during the night. Not really, I woke at 1am and at 6am. Mind you, I woke up feeling more relaxed and laid awhile feeling calm. I have now got up as the anxiety is beginning and thus my blog is being typed!

Today I have a couple of challenges. I have a hairdressing appointment at 12.00 and have to put on a bright face for my niece late afternoon. Silly, such simple things but that's how I'm seeing things at the moment. I think I'll be okay today.

A write-off

Not a great day, in fact pretty terrible. Got up okay, got going with clearing my office (much needed and much put off) and by 10am the anxiety hit me big time and the tears came. Hubby hugged and soothed me and off I went again. Decided I needed to keep occupied so began washing down paintwork. The anxiety hit me again a few hours later and I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried not to disturb hubby and cope alone which was useless and ended up throwing up. A bit calmer I tried occupying myself continuously all day and had another major dip at about 3pm. I felt so angry and desperate; punching the sofa and shouting and crying, you name it. So at this point I decided enough was enough and took half a Diazepam which gradually kicked in enough for me to get out of the house for half an hour or so.

As usual in the evening things improved and I took a nice relaxing bath and tried some meditation which soothed me. By the time I went to bed I felt okay. What a day!

This morning I woke up early and anxious and tried to nod off again with no luck so I took half a Diazepam which helped but not a great deal. I must try not to lay in bed awake fighting my thoughts. It makes things worse. Had a mini meltdown and then forced myself to get up and dressed. So here I am now, feeling anxious, low and unsure how the day will be. There are things I want to do today, I will visit my aunt and my close friend and I know I will probably have a good sob with them but it helps. It will also give hubby a break!

I think maybe I need the extra help the Diazepam is giving me. I hate taking it, to me it is a 'shameful' drug that only weak people take, and I am very aware of its addictive qualities but I have got too far now and going back to the Effexor would be defeatist. This anxiety will subside eventually and once it does then I can deal with the Diazepam.

Reaching out

Yesterday I took NO Diazepam! That feels like such an achievement because I hated needing to take it and was scared I would become dependent. Had an early dip at about 11am which I breathed through and then went out (focusing on other stuff definitely helps). By lunchtime I was totally exhausted. I managed to eat lunch and then went to bed and slept for an hour. Amazing that I could do that. Maybe the Prozac is finally kicking in or maybe I am just discovering relaxation? I awoke from my nap feeling anxious so immediately busied myself. This anxiety stayed with me for a while and didn't go until I let go and cried. The difference this time was that my tears, although a release, were not desperate or all-consuming. I simply let it out and then was done.

Hubby showed me details of a house in France which was so beautiful, positioned next to a canal in huge gardens, stunning. "Shall we get on a plane and go see it?" he suggested. That's when I cried because at the moment I can't envisage travelling any great distance, especially on a plane. It made me realise how much I am missing out on by being this way. We laughed about it and it has given me a goal of sorts. I have always known hubby wanted a holiday home in France and it has been put on a back burner for a few years. Showing me this has helped me realise that I am stopping his dreams as well as my own.

My dear Mum cooked me a wonderful back-to-childhood lamb stew and it was so comforting to be cared for by her. Also, amazing that I allowed myself to be cared for by her!

As is not usual, I felt great during the evening. I made loads of phone calls and caught up with people and made a very important call. Briefly, I have been subconsciously estranged from my sister-in-law for some years now and at the moment she is suffering from depression. I realised I could help so I took the bull by the horns and phoned her, offering my support and inviting her to meet. Knowing her she could so easily of brushed me off and 'rejected' my offer but she seemed pleased I had contacted her and welcomed my invitation. It made me feel human again to be able to offer help to another person rather than use it all for myself.

So today is bright and sunny and I have made a list of things to do. Nothing major, just little goals. I am feeling pretty optimistic so here goes!

Me

Anyone reading this blog is probably wondering what type of person I am so here is a brief outline of my life.

So, I am happily married to the man I met when I was 16. We are as close as you could imagine and he is my rock. We have no children (through choice and probably alot of psycological barriers) but take our enjoyment through our Godchildren. I was adopted as a baby and traced my birth mother in my late teens. My relationship with my birth mother is friendly although i feel no love for her.

I have a wonderful job in a local school which I absolutely love. I work there part-time and am also a beauty therapist which I do as a hobby. I am very creative and love to draw, write, read, sew and knit - all with varying degress of success! I am a great animal lover and have 2 dogs and 1 cat.

I am very selective over my friends and once someone lets me down I never trust them again and tend to push them away. I have a few close, wonderful friends who I trust deeply.

I have always suffered from bouts of anxiety and depression, which appears when major changes occur in my life (moving house, losing my Father, important people leaving my life). I guess you could say I am very insecure. So I have been on some form of medication for all my adult life. Whether I need it or not I don't really know but pschycologically I am dependent on a crutch.

Now, the reason I was put on Effexor was five years ago when I was enduring alot of stress. My boss, who is a dear friend, left his post and I was left in charge and basically unsupported. I was moving home which was very exciting but meant we had to live in a tiny flat for a month before actually moving into our new home. I found all this, especially the situation at work, stressful and turned to my doctor. As I see it, doctors can be influenced by drug companies pushing new drugs to be used and I was put on this relatively new wonder-drug that would help me. Of course, I took it and, once it took effect, felt alot better. I felt detached and a bit numb but so much better than I was so I continued. After about 6 months I decided to lower my dose which I did very gradually but ended up feeling so bad I had to increase again and since then I have been afraid to try again. It became apparent a few months ago that my blood pressure was high and after trying every other option (except drug treatment) with no effect it was decided that the Effexor was the cause and that I should come off it.

Effexor is almost impossible to withdraw from gradually. In Britain in comes in two strengths which cannot be halved. I lowered to the weaker dose with no ill effects over the summer holidays and assumed the final step would be similar. A bit dizzy, a bit sleepy and a bit ratty for a couple of weeks. Oh how wrong can you be!

So that's basically me!

Working through

Sunday was a beautiful sunny day. First thing we took the dogs out for a long walk which I really enjoyed (!) We stopped for our regular cuppa at the local cafe and I began to feel very tired. By the time we got home I was exhausted! Then, of course, I dipped. Much earlier than usual so I was determined not to give in to it and began to clear out our spare sitting room (which has been used as a store while renovating). It helped and the dipped mellowed but then returned after lunch. It's really frustrating me now. Rather than take more Diazepam I had half a glass of red wine which calmed me down.

Carried on with the day. Ha! Went with hubby to C.............. feeling calmer but still a bit agitated. Hubby decided he wanted to pop into Tesco on the way back which put me in a bit of a spin and I sat in the car park waiting for the waves of anxiety to pass. Of course they did, they always do and I'm beginning to realise this.

The real cause of the dips and anxieties yesterday, I believe, was that I had decided to talk to Mum. I have always felt protective over my mum, believing that I should be caring for her and not the other way round, so I have tried to keep this all from her. Hubby dropped me off and, as expected, I walked in and melted into tears. Mum was fantastic and I told her all about what is going on and it felt great to be comforted by her, but I know she is now worrying about me. Is that okay?

As expected I felt alot better and the evening was relaxing with me feeling the beginnings of normality. How I love the evenings!

This morning I woke at 6am (improvement) and laid there consciously relaxing my body and deep breathing (and probably dropping off here and there) until 7am when the alarm goes off. As is now normal the rush of anxiety rose its ugly head and I made a decision. Instead of reaching for the Diazepam to deaden the feelings, I would see what happens if I just go with it. I am so predicable! The anxiety immediately increased (but still copeable) and I had a mini-meltdown in the shower. Rested for a while and admitted to myself that this was probably psychological (oh no, I'm not taking a pill and therefore I will feel awful) and the anxiety faded (yey!). Fantastic because I now feel that I have some control over my feelings. I am now feeling optimistic and keen to see how the day progresses. My house is going to be immaculate by the end of this with all my sorting out!

Emerging patterns

It was great to have some feedback yesterday, it helps to feel people are thinking about me, so thanks to those of you who have.

It was a strange day. Really didn't feel bothered about doing anything. Hubby had errands to do so I tagged along, plus visited our sick friend's wife. It definitely helps to have my attention diverted onto someone else's situation.

So here's the pattern I think is emerging: after lunch I have a massive dip. It's as if I can't cope with being 'normal' anymore and everything is all too much and I cry. It's not just a snivel it's a real sobbing session. The weird thing is I don't really know what I am crying about! Just letting out emotions I guess. This time, instead of reaching for the Diazapam (which I really resent taking), hubby poured me a glass of wine. It worked just as well! I'm not a big drinker but when I am in these dips I do whatever anyone tells me and I'm glad I did because it calmed me down. Once calm again, we walked the dogs which really helped. Being outside in nature seems comforting and the dogs never fail to amuse me with their antics.

Another strange thing that is happening is that when I am in one of these lows, I feel a need to be comforted by my neighbour! Let me explain - we are very good friends with our neighbours, especially the husband who I think I am turning to because my father died some years ago. I believe I am using him as a father-figure of some sort. Bizarre! The poor chap doesn't know this because I can't bring myself to put all this emotional pressure on him. I did however tell him yesterday what I am going through and got my hug. Emotional fraility brings out the strangest things that you think you have resolved years ago.

Anyway, the evening was approaching and my niece's birthday party. I adore my niece and will do anything for her so I dressed up and off we went. I felt nervous beforehand but nothing out of the ordinary and coped amazingly well. I drank some wine, probably a bit too much, which unnerved me as I felt out of control (not a feeling I enjoy!). Even so, I lasted a couple of hours before needing to go home. I was exhausted!

Today I woke up feeling a tiny tiny bit calmer (yey!) and decided not to procrastinate in bed until I think I should get up - I just got up when I was ready. Poor hubby didn't get a lie in today! Bit of a headache (wine?) but am now about to walk dogs and get the day started. I'm expecting the dip this afternoon and will probably wait and see if this happens before visiting Mum. I really need to speak to her and tell her what's going on.

And so ...

After such a great evening I was looking forward to waking up feeling good. I did wake up feeling good, but still anxious. Determined to make the best of the day I decided to get ready and go buy some jeans! Went to my favourite shop, started trying on and they all looked rubbish (I've lost a bit of weight that I didn't need to) and I stood in the changing room feeling a wash of depression. Great. The shop assistant was really trying to help me find what I wanted but in the end I just got really cheesed off and bought nothing. Not like me at all! All hot and bothered I refused to give in to my negative thoughts and walked down the road to do some bits. Felt anxious but determined and, result! nothing terrible happened! Got home feeling a bit flat and threw myself into the ironing and cleaning. Keeping busy at the moment is helping but is not a cure by any means.

Decided it was about time I told Mum about what is going on. I don't want her worrying but I'm avoiding seeing her and that must be worrying her. Honesty is the best policy! Just my luck, she wasn't in! Never mind, spoke on the phone later and will see her Sunday.

Wanted to find a couple of Gill Edwards self-help books I have somewhere. Do you think I could find them?! They have disappeared totally. Spend ages looking absolutely everywhere and found loads of other stuff (amazing really, photos I'd forgotten, my late Dad's precious sweater, things that made me think good thoughts. In the end I gave up looking and re-ordered the books from Amazon. They should come Monday.

I've noticed an interesting thing - every evening, after dinner, I seem to relax and perk up. I feel back to my old self. Maybe I'm relaxing as the day is nearly over, I don't know but it's a definite improvement.

Okay so tonight it's my neice's birthday party and I have to go. She is so excited, being 16 and all, and I think the world of her so I won't let her down. Hopefully the evening feeling will appear and I'll enjoy the night. I'm determined to so let's hope my determination wins through.

A few more pluses - my tummy isn't quite so upset, I don't feel as 'desperate' as I did a few days before, I am being more proactive and I feel more hopeful. Fingers crossed!

Relief

Yesterday morning woke up determined to get myself sorted out. Took half a Diazapam first thing to get my head clear and then set about doing some housework. I had the usual mid-morning wave of anxiety but this time I managed to work through it (cleaning windows, washing floors, you name it!). So I felt that I was beginning to cope which is certainly a step forward. After lunch went with hubby to do some errands. There were a few bits of shopping to do as well. I felt good enough not to need another Diazapam so just took it with me in case. We were out for a few hours and I got progressively more confident as time wore on. I was definitely brighter and chattier and more animated. Visited Auntie to show her how good I was feeling and to keep her up to date with progress. Felt a little weary after that visit but continued to do the spot of shopping I needed to do, with no problems at all - in fact I felt normal! I felt in such a good mood, as if things were really on the way up. Yey!

The evening (including a glass of wine) was great, I felt relaxed and happy and excited that I felt like this on such a little dose of Diazapam. Maybe the Prozac is kicking in now.

So this morning I woke up feeling excited and eager to start the day. There is a little anxiety of course and I took half a Diazapam to relieve this. I am planning to go clothes shopping today and visit Mum who I haven't felt able to face for nearly a week. Then I will spend the rest of the day around the house doing housework which seems to be helping.

I am wondering if this is temporary and that there will be a dip soon but I am going to make the most of it while I can. Hubby is reassuring me that I am out of the worst now and that it will just keep getting better and I really, really hope he is right. I am keeping positive!

New beginning?

Yesterday improved after taking dogs for a nice gentle walk which soothed me greatly. Made me realise that I can help myself and can do something about these terrible feelings. Made the journey home with no problems.

Once back home I could feel the anxiety and dread start to build up and eventually broke down in tears (real, from the heart sobs). Hubby was brilliant and said all the right things, gave me a glass of wine, and then I calmed down. Phew! The wine did wonders and the rest of the evening was fairly relaxed with me perking up again. The anxiety seems to cloud everything else.

So this morning I awoke with the usual anxiety and fought it. This did some good (as did half a Diazapam) and I got up with strong resolve to make today a better day. I have made a list of things to do and have already done most of them! Just the housework (which needs doing desperately) to conquer. Hubby is off to the gym so I will have an hour to myself. Let's just see how today goes. I expect a surge of anxiety in a few hours but maybe I can cope with it and ride it out. I am actually feeling a little more determined and less pathetic today so things are on the up!

Finding a balance

The higher dose of Diazapam knocked me out! I could feel absolutely nothing, didn’t care about anything. So the doc’s recommendation of 5mg 3 times daily is rubbish. I want to feel alive at the very least! Yesterday took 5mg first thing and spent the morning like a zombie. Things improved as the day wore on and the evening felt pretty ‘normal’. That is, only slightly anxious and slightly depressed.
Despite the extra medication, I am sleeping no better – still waking up during the night and walking up fully early and full of anxiety.
I don’t want to become addicted to Diazapam, especially as I don’t like the numb feeling it gives me and have decided to do a bit of self-help. I have read before the books written by Gill Edwards (Stepping into the Magic, Living Magically) and am now reading ‘Pure Bliss’. I don’t know if it holds any answers but it is very uplifting and I am going to try and apply the basics.
I am now depressed and desperate to take an Effexor to feel better. Hubby, rightly or wrongly, has hidden them (I made him promise not to throw them away) and today is crunch time. This morning I took half a Diazapam as I refuse to make myself into a zombie, and I feel calmer but still jittery. I truly believe I stopped the Effexor far too quickly. The Prozac may or may not be helping, heaven only knows how I would be feeling if I wasn’t taking that!
I am beginning to wonder if this is now psychological or still withdrawal. Reading forums on the web it appears I should have been over the worst a week ago! Hmm, I don’t know.
I don’t think doctors really have a clue how best to help and although the Diazapam is helping I feel it will present more problems in the long run.
Depending on the rest of today, I may have to take half an Effexor and review the situation. I’m not happy about it but I need to get my life back.
It’s now just after lunch and I’m struggling. Mid-morning I had a huge wave of anxiety. Thankfully it passed but it is coming back now. I am going to have to take some more Diazapam. I need to get home but am not looking forward to the journey. Waves of depression keep washing over me. I am trying to keep busy but there is only so much you can do in such a small space! Hubby is determined I am going to see this through. At what cost?!

Thank goodness

Ha! I don't remember much about yesterday evening. Felt okay. Very tired and eager to go to bed hoping for a better day to come.

This morning woke up at 5am. The first hmm, 15 seconds were lovely and relaxed and then in came the anxiety. I tried to lay there until the alarm went off but of course the anxiety got worse and the worry increased so I was in a right state by the time I got out of bed. Hubby made breakfast which I decided to throw up (lovely!). I am feeling worse and not better. Phoned the doctor as soon as surgery opened and hubby took me there. By this time I had taken 2mg Diazapam just to get there and was still trembling and terrified. Doctor was brilliant and totally understanding. He wants me to persevere with the Prozac rather than go back to Effexor (I half expected him to put me back on it) and has prescribed 5mg Diazapam for the next few weeks as required (up to 3 times a day). Apparently Diazapam is the easiest tranquilliser to come off because it stays in the body for a long time (he said 100 days!). I still feel grotty but the unbelieveable anxiety is now under control.

Phoned my boss who is being brilliant, thank goodness. Each day now I have been saying 'this is the worst day, tomorrow will be better' and it has been worse! Hopefully with this crutch things will pick up soon. This is without question the hardest medication I have had to withdraw from. Seroxat was bad but that was a walk in the park in comparison!

Learn from your mistakes

This morning woke up early feeling anxious but alot more positive. Got up and got myself going which helped. With hubby walked the dogs and actually enjoyed the experience. Stopped off at supermarket on the way home and the anxiety kicked in again. I coped though when I got home I was trembling.

Following advice I have decided to eat more bananas and oranges as these are supposed to help. So me being me I ate a banana and drank a huge glass of orange juice. Remember the sugar rush I had after eating cake for breakfast? The same thing happened! I didn't even realise until hubby mentioned the connection. Duh! I downed two glasses of plain water and just waited and have just calmed down. Phew! That was nasty. I was shivery, felt sick, was as white as a sheet and totally worn out, oh yes and of course very anxious. So I won't be doing that again!

Today on the whole is alot calmer than yesterday. I don't feel so desperate and am not tearful at the moment. I am looking forward to seeing a doctor hopefully tomorrow. I need some advice on the best way of dealing with the anxiety. Fingers crossed I will be able to see someone.

I feel very tired today and this is probably because I haven't been sleeping that well. I have started to drink more water as I think I am probably a bit dehydrated from the upset tummy. Hopefully tonight will give me a much better sleep (I'd love to wake up at a normal time for a change!) and I will have more energy tomorrow. I don't have any trouble getting to sleep but am waking up in the early hours for a bit and then walking up properly at about 7am. I want a lie in!

Floodgates

I did my best today. My very best. Drove hubby to fetch his car. Drove to town. When to chemist. You'd think I would feel calmer after achieving all that. Nope, not me! Tried to keep busy about the house but nothing seemed to calm me down. Not even doing the ironing which usually does the trick. I could feel the panic rising all morning and my mood dipped more and more. Totally fed up I took half a diazapam which did absolutely nothing! Eventually sat on the stairs and cried (poor hubby) which helped to release a bit.

Felt able to visit Mum so off we went. As soon as I got there I felt on edge (Mum doesn't know what is going on) and couldn't wait to go. I found it difficult pretending to be fine when all I really wanted to do was let it all out.

Called in on Auntie M on the way home and let it all out. She understands because she has been through it all in the past. I cried and cried. I finally started to calm down a bit and we stayed ages which helped me focus on something else for a change.

I am still feeling shaky but a little calmer. Talking to other people has soothed me a bit and helped me realise I can get through this. This has been the hardest day so far and I am hoping this is as bad as it gets. First thing Monday I am calling the doctor. I need advice now. I will not feel this bad for any length of time if I can do anything to stop it.

How long?

The evening didn't really improve and I woke up at 5am this morning feeling very anxious. Anxiety kept me awake and finally hubby awoke at 7am but which time I was in a right old state. Hot, shaky, very scared. Got straight up and on the cross-trainer for a couple of minutes to see if that helped. No. So I have now finished getting up and feeling a bit more determined to make a success of the day. This could be the worst day I've had so far and if I can get through this without resorting to Diazapam then I will be really pleased. The anxiety is a nightmare and makes me feel hopeless. Bless him, hubby is being really supportive and I must be driving him mad!

So let's see how the rest of the day goes. It has got to get better!

Some good, some not so

Butterfly tummy first thing. Upset tummy too (this usually last most of the morning). Okay the aim today was visit the chiropractor and go to the gym. So, got up and did some housework (actually felt like it). So far so good. Mid morning a surge of anxiety caught me for a while. This passed and I went to the chiropractor. I drove with hubby in the passenger seat. No problem at all although head felt a little muzzy during the drive. Home again, got ready and set off for the gym. A bit nervous but keen to do it. The gym started off great and I really started to enjoy myself - even ran for a bit! I think the run was a step too far. I started shaking and my head felt muzzy. However I continued and finished the session and walked on wobbly legs back to the car. I really should have sat and calmed down before driving off because I started to feel anxious almost immediately. It's not a long drive but there was a lot of traffic which made the anxiety worse. So how did I cope with it? I controlled my breathing and at the first opportunity I pulled off the main road onto a quieter road which helped calm me. Anxiety is so predicable, as soon as I turned into my road I got calmer!

Back home I felt a little disappointed but overall really pleased with my efforts, even though I was still shaking. Decided to have a lay down which wasn't a great idea because all I did was lay there worrying and winding myself up. So now I am up and trying to get a few things done. There is a layer of depression over my head at the moment which was caused by the driving experience. This will pass soon. How do I know when I will be alright and when I am pushing myself too far? I wish someone could tell me when I will begin to feel stronger. Hang on, I do feel stronger, much stronger than I did 2 weeks ago. I need to remember that this is going to be a long process. Hubby is so proud of me for doing well today and this depression is a minor setback that will pass as the evening comes.

My brain is so fragile at the moment. One minute I am positive and feel ready for anything and the next I am shaking and depressed. Right, I'm going to give myself a pat on the back for not giving in today and achieving what I set out to do! I succeeded, I did well, not perfect but okay, and tomorrow I will do even better!