Yesterday I took NO Diazepam! That feels like such an achievement because I hated needing to take it and was scared I would become dependent. Had an early dip at about 11am which I breathed through and then went out (focusing on other stuff definitely helps). By lunchtime I was totally exhausted. I managed to eat lunch and then went to bed and slept for an hour. Amazing that I could do that. Maybe the Prozac is finally kicking in or maybe I am just discovering relaxation? I awoke from my nap feeling anxious so immediately busied myself. This anxiety stayed with me for a while and didn't go until I let go and cried. The difference this time was that my tears, although a release, were not desperate or all-consuming. I simply let it out and then was done.
Hubby showed me details of a house in France which was so beautiful, positioned next to a canal in huge gardens, stunning. "Shall we get on a plane and go see it?" he suggested. That's when I cried because at the moment I can't envisage travelling any great distance, especially on a plane. It made me realise how much I am missing out on by being this way. We laughed about it and it has given me a goal of sorts. I have always known hubby wanted a holiday home in France and it has been put on a back burner for a few years. Showing me this has helped me realise that I am stopping his dreams as well as my own.
My dear Mum cooked me a wonderful back-to-childhood lamb stew and it was so comforting to be cared for by her. Also, amazing that I allowed myself to be cared for by her!
As is not usual, I felt great during the evening. I made loads of phone calls and caught up with people and made a very important call. Briefly, I have been subconsciously estranged from my sister-in-law for some years now and at the moment she is suffering from depression. I realised I could help so I took the bull by the horns and phoned her, offering my support and inviting her to meet. Knowing her she could so easily of brushed me off and 'rejected' my offer but she seemed pleased I had contacted her and welcomed my invitation. It made me feel human again to be able to offer help to another person rather than use it all for myself.
So today is bright and sunny and I have made a list of things to do. Nothing major, just little goals. I am feeling pretty optimistic so here goes!
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Hi there, I just dropped by to see how you are and found myself smiling at your words on the screen. You're taking huge steps. And how lovely that you can see a way to use your horrible experience to help others. Of course you will get there, and you're on your way! I look forward to reading a post from France one day.
Keep in touch.
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