Working through

Sunday was a beautiful sunny day. First thing we took the dogs out for a long walk which I really enjoyed (!) We stopped for our regular cuppa at the local cafe and I began to feel very tired. By the time we got home I was exhausted! Then, of course, I dipped. Much earlier than usual so I was determined not to give in to it and began to clear out our spare sitting room (which has been used as a store while renovating). It helped and the dipped mellowed but then returned after lunch. It's really frustrating me now. Rather than take more Diazepam I had half a glass of red wine which calmed me down.

Carried on with the day. Ha! Went with hubby to C.............. feeling calmer but still a bit agitated. Hubby decided he wanted to pop into Tesco on the way back which put me in a bit of a spin and I sat in the car park waiting for the waves of anxiety to pass. Of course they did, they always do and I'm beginning to realise this.

The real cause of the dips and anxieties yesterday, I believe, was that I had decided to talk to Mum. I have always felt protective over my mum, believing that I should be caring for her and not the other way round, so I have tried to keep this all from her. Hubby dropped me off and, as expected, I walked in and melted into tears. Mum was fantastic and I told her all about what is going on and it felt great to be comforted by her, but I know she is now worrying about me. Is that okay?

As expected I felt alot better and the evening was relaxing with me feeling the beginnings of normality. How I love the evenings!

This morning I woke at 6am (improvement) and laid there consciously relaxing my body and deep breathing (and probably dropping off here and there) until 7am when the alarm goes off. As is now normal the rush of anxiety rose its ugly head and I made a decision. Instead of reaching for the Diazepam to deaden the feelings, I would see what happens if I just go with it. I am so predicable! The anxiety immediately increased (but still copeable) and I had a mini-meltdown in the shower. Rested for a while and admitted to myself that this was probably psychological (oh no, I'm not taking a pill and therefore I will feel awful) and the anxiety faded (yey!). Fantastic because I now feel that I have some control over my feelings. I am now feeling optimistic and keen to see how the day progresses. My house is going to be immaculate by the end of this with all my sorting out!