A write-off

Not a great day, in fact pretty terrible. Got up okay, got going with clearing my office (much needed and much put off) and by 10am the anxiety hit me big time and the tears came. Hubby hugged and soothed me and off I went again. Decided I needed to keep occupied so began washing down paintwork. The anxiety hit me again a few hours later and I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried not to disturb hubby and cope alone which was useless and ended up throwing up. A bit calmer I tried occupying myself continuously all day and had another major dip at about 3pm. I felt so angry and desperate; punching the sofa and shouting and crying, you name it. So at this point I decided enough was enough and took half a Diazepam which gradually kicked in enough for me to get out of the house for half an hour or so.

As usual in the evening things improved and I took a nice relaxing bath and tried some meditation which soothed me. By the time I went to bed I felt okay. What a day!

This morning I woke up early and anxious and tried to nod off again with no luck so I took half a Diazepam which helped but not a great deal. I must try not to lay in bed awake fighting my thoughts. It makes things worse. Had a mini meltdown and then forced myself to get up and dressed. So here I am now, feeling anxious, low and unsure how the day will be. There are things I want to do today, I will visit my aunt and my close friend and I know I will probably have a good sob with them but it helps. It will also give hubby a break!

I think maybe I need the extra help the Diazepam is giving me. I hate taking it, to me it is a 'shameful' drug that only weak people take, and I am very aware of its addictive qualities but I have got too far now and going back to the Effexor would be defeatist. This anxiety will subside eventually and once it does then I can deal with the Diazepam.