Finding a balance

The higher dose of Diazapam knocked me out! I could feel absolutely nothing, didn’t care about anything. So the doc’s recommendation of 5mg 3 times daily is rubbish. I want to feel alive at the very least! Yesterday took 5mg first thing and spent the morning like a zombie. Things improved as the day wore on and the evening felt pretty ‘normal’. That is, only slightly anxious and slightly depressed.
Despite the extra medication, I am sleeping no better – still waking up during the night and walking up fully early and full of anxiety.
I don’t want to become addicted to Diazapam, especially as I don’t like the numb feeling it gives me and have decided to do a bit of self-help. I have read before the books written by Gill Edwards (Stepping into the Magic, Living Magically) and am now reading ‘Pure Bliss’. I don’t know if it holds any answers but it is very uplifting and I am going to try and apply the basics.
I am now depressed and desperate to take an Effexor to feel better. Hubby, rightly or wrongly, has hidden them (I made him promise not to throw them away) and today is crunch time. This morning I took half a Diazapam as I refuse to make myself into a zombie, and I feel calmer but still jittery. I truly believe I stopped the Effexor far too quickly. The Prozac may or may not be helping, heaven only knows how I would be feeling if I wasn’t taking that!
I am beginning to wonder if this is now psychological or still withdrawal. Reading forums on the web it appears I should have been over the worst a week ago! Hmm, I don’t know.
I don’t think doctors really have a clue how best to help and although the Diazapam is helping I feel it will present more problems in the long run.
Depending on the rest of today, I may have to take half an Effexor and review the situation. I’m not happy about it but I need to get my life back.
It’s now just after lunch and I’m struggling. Mid-morning I had a huge wave of anxiety. Thankfully it passed but it is coming back now. I am going to have to take some more Diazapam. I need to get home but am not looking forward to the journey. Waves of depression keep washing over me. I am trying to keep busy but there is only so much you can do in such a small space! Hubby is determined I am going to see this through. At what cost?!