Time alone

I think there was progress yesterday. No, I know there was. Hubby wants us both to visit R......... tonight which made me immediately defensive and anxious. Told him I would decide later and, of course, it immediately began to worry me. Hubby had boring stuff to do so I decided to stay home and get on with the housework and my online CBT. All okay. Stopped mid morning for a break and decided to have a cigarette (I have just about stopped smoking since coming off the Effexor - down to 3-4 a day). My anxiety level shot up. Okay, I thought, let's work through this so I began ironing and sorting out Christmas cards. No, it didn't pass. So I took half a Diazepam which had some effect although it wasn't fantastic. It did however help me to think more calmly.

I have an inkling that Diazepam may be contributing to the depressive feelings I am having. Not sure yet, but am watching for connections.

Popped next door to see R.............. wife and she how she is. R.............. is progressing thankfully. I explained to her that I couldn't visit him because I felt too upset and, I am sorry to say, I began to cry. I have been worrying so much about him. She was totally fine with it and very understanding and I am glad I spoke to her.

Back home the anxiety rose again and I tried something new. I tried to allow it to do its worst. It rose up and then got no further. So nothing terrible does happen if you allow it to manifest. Maybe this is better than struggling to fight it. I'm not sure yet. It's one theory I haven't tried before. The anxiety didn't really subside until hubby got home (connection?). I'm pleased I 'coped' with being alone for a big part of the day and I guess it's not surprising that I was anxious as this is the first time in weeks.

Went with hubby to the gym for the first time in 3 weeks. People at gym very pleased to see me and my trainer took things very gently with me. I tired really quickly and so I stopped when I felt I'd done enough.

My mood today has been strange. Quite upbeat first thing, then anxious, then depressed, then a lowish mood for the remainder of the day. Hubby is distancing himself from the problem and trying to get things back to normal.

So definitely a few positive steps today. Home alone, gym, speaking with R............ wife. Coping!