Yesterday improved after taking dogs for a nice gentle walk which soothed me greatly. Made me realise that I can help myself and can do something about these terrible feelings. Made the journey home with no problems.
Once back home I could feel the anxiety and dread start to build up and eventually broke down in tears (real, from the heart sobs). Hubby was brilliant and said all the right things, gave me a glass of wine, and then I calmed down. Phew! The wine did wonders and the rest of the evening was fairly relaxed with me perking up again. The anxiety seems to cloud everything else.
So this morning I awoke with the usual anxiety and fought it. This did some good (as did half a Diazapam) and I got up with strong resolve to make today a better day. I have made a list of things to do and have already done most of them! Just the housework (which needs doing desperately) to conquer. Hubby is off to the gym so I will have an hour to myself. Let's just see how today goes. I expect a surge of anxiety in a few hours but maybe I can cope with it and ride it out. I am actually feeling a little more determined and less pathetic today so things are on the up!
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4 comments:
Hi there, determined soul, and thank you for visiting my blog. I know nothing about you or your problems so forgive me if anything I say is clumsy or insensitive, but I assume you're suffering from depression? How difficult for you, and how gamely you're coping with it. Your blog has such an honest sense of regret, but your determination to get through your illness is inspiring. It's impossible to say anthing really to make your life better for you. I wish I could. When our young daughter was struggling with dyslexia, we would've done anything to make her feel better. We told her "There's light at the end of the tunnel." A little voice replied, "But how long's the tunnel?" I think that must be the hardest thing, waiting for an unspecified time when your depression lifts. But it sounds as though your tunnel is growing a little lighter, which must mean the end is approaching. Please keep in touch and let me know how you're getting on.
Hi - I came across your comment on Leigh's blog. My son suffered for years, and even now has occasional lapses, which no longer last. Luckily, he didn't have to go through what you're going through. I know it doesn't really help - but there are people out here rooting for you.
Like your pen name, you WILL get there.
How do I know? You are doing something about it, you're sharing your feelings. This I'm told is the hardest start, and once you are able to do this, you can advance and conquer it altogether in time.
Let me know how you're coming along. Keep sharing, I can give you my e-mail address if you like.
It's wonderful to know that you're getting the support you need. Too many people don't.
Your blog is difficult to read (because of it's content, not because of your writing), but it is very interesting at the same time.
One day you'll be able to look back to this period of your life and think, "how on earth did I make it through that".
The only good thing about negative experiences is that you surface with the ability to help others in difficulty.
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