And so ...

After such a great evening I was looking forward to waking up feeling good. I did wake up feeling good, but still anxious. Determined to make the best of the day I decided to get ready and go buy some jeans! Went to my favourite shop, started trying on and they all looked rubbish (I've lost a bit of weight that I didn't need to) and I stood in the changing room feeling a wash of depression. Great. The shop assistant was really trying to help me find what I wanted but in the end I just got really cheesed off and bought nothing. Not like me at all! All hot and bothered I refused to give in to my negative thoughts and walked down the road to do some bits. Felt anxious but determined and, result! nothing terrible happened! Got home feeling a bit flat and threw myself into the ironing and cleaning. Keeping busy at the moment is helping but is not a cure by any means.

Decided it was about time I told Mum about what is going on. I don't want her worrying but I'm avoiding seeing her and that must be worrying her. Honesty is the best policy! Just my luck, she wasn't in! Never mind, spoke on the phone later and will see her Sunday.

Wanted to find a couple of Gill Edwards self-help books I have somewhere. Do you think I could find them?! They have disappeared totally. Spend ages looking absolutely everywhere and found loads of other stuff (amazing really, photos I'd forgotten, my late Dad's precious sweater, things that made me think good thoughts. In the end I gave up looking and re-ordered the books from Amazon. They should come Monday.

I've noticed an interesting thing - every evening, after dinner, I seem to relax and perk up. I feel back to my old self. Maybe I'm relaxing as the day is nearly over, I don't know but it's a definite improvement.

Okay so tonight it's my neice's birthday party and I have to go. She is so excited, being 16 and all, and I think the world of her so I won't let her down. Hopefully the evening feeling will appear and I'll enjoy the night. I'm determined to so let's hope my determination wins through.

A few more pluses - my tummy isn't quite so upset, I don't feel as 'desperate' as I did a few days before, I am being more proactive and I feel more hopeful. Fingers crossed!