A strange day

It was an odd day. I think I wasn't looking forward to the day. The weather was overcast and blustery and I had nothing planned after walking the dogs. So my mood, although not depressed, was a little low. We took the dogs for a long walk and partway round a just began to cry, for no reason I just felt so joyless and hopeless. So I walked and walked and talked it out with hubby and it passed, leaving me a bit numb and cross with myself. On the way home I decided to stop at the local garden centre and do some shopping to prove to myself that I am not a useless lump of meat! Of course I coped with it but still wasn't feeling quite right.

Back at home there was a message on the phone, I was execting my friend to call so I listened to it and it was my neighbour's wife, C................ telling us that R......... was in hospital having had a stroke. I sat in shock. This is the second close friend in two weeks this has happened to. Hubby spoke to her and it seems to be mild but they are doing checks, etc. I broke down. R.............. if y9u remember, if the one I seem to need when I am upset (father figure?) and I felt such a huge amount of self-pity. I really felt sick with fear. I don't was to lose him or my other friend.

So when I had stopped crying I realised that I need to get through this withdrawal so I can be there for my friends. I began to feel stronger and 'snapped out of it' and got on with the rest of the day. I felt a little anxious later on when I sat down and had a chance to think but my energy was better and I felt more in control of myself than I have for a long time. I'm not kidding myself, there is a long way to go but I am definitely on my way!

My sister-in-law didn't contact me, I wasn't surprised as I don't think she's ready to open up to me. Fair enough.

Today I woke very early, about 3am, and napped until 6ish. When the anxiety rose I did my breathing meditation which helped but it is difficult to concentrate with so many thoughts rushing through my head. It does help though and I got up when the alarm went off for a change.

Today we are going to visit R............ in hospital. I am scared stiff but will do it for him, I have to.
I am determined today that things are going to start being different.