Facing up to things

I haven't written in my blog for a few days because things have been going pretty well and also I've been busy living! It's not been all good however. Last week I had about 5 good days where I felt much happier and calmer. I have had a couple of really good sessions at the gym and felt really confident there, alone, last Friday plus the driving was easy. Saturday was freezing but sunny and I only ventured out of the house once, to go to town and buy some essentials (plus a bit of retail therapy). I went with hubby and felt pretty good. Then we visited P............... at home before returning home. I was rather bored during the evening and began feeling lonely.

Sunday morning we walked the dogs with some friends and their dog and it was lovely. We walked along the beach and I felt great until I realised I had walked further than I ever had. I began to feel anxious once I felt out of my depth but managed to keep it under control and the feeling passed. After the walk we had a family lunch to attend. I haven't been looking forward to this lunch for several reasons. My mother-in-law irritates me, the last time I saw my brother in law and his family they were all arguing with each other and that irritated me, so you can imagine I wasn't looking forward to lunch with them all. Plus the venue was pretty grotty! The lunch went better than I thought although I felt agitated throughout. I also felt disassociated which I know is my body finding a way to protect me from my anxiety. So anyway I got through it with a smile on my face and we dropped my mum home. In the car she started talking about Christmas and my brother and will he/won't he turn up and hubby started saying that we should all go away for Christmas and mum started agreeing with him and I started to feel really wound up and angry. I told them I wish Christmas wasn't happening and I hated this time of year. Hubby was telling me I was wound up because of my brother and he started raising his voice and I could feel myself getting more and more anxious. I could see it was upsetting mum but I couldn't hide my feelings. Things calmed down and I hugged mum and we drove home. The next morning my brother phoned me up all concerned because mum was upset and I told him the reason and promised to talk to her. I went to my counsellor and poured all the frustration out to him and the tears flowed and flowed. After alot of talking (the poor man must have had sore ears afterwards!) he suggested that maybe Christmas is amplifying feelings I already have and I have to agree with him. All I want is for Christmas to be my family all together for Christmas day but it never happens. My brother has his father in law and occasionally our mum, and my brother in law has his wife's family. We are left out totally and are expected to entertain hubby's mother and anyone else that is being left out that year. It always feels like no one wants us and that makes me feel unwanted. Childish I know, but this is how I feel.

Anyway, after this realisation I was quite shaken up, I thought I had sorted out my insecurities years ago but I guess because I am emotionally fragile at the moment it has reappeared.

After lunch me and hubby went to see R.............. I was still shaky and felt reluctant but also felt I wanted to go and so off we went. I drove which helped occupy my mind and we managed to park really close. Entering the hospital I was shaky and anxious. I remained shaky and anxious throughout the visit but dispite this it was a good visit. R............ is making progress and he was really pleased to see me. He is starting to talk like his old self which is wonderful and is starting to move his leg. It really cheered me up.

Back home my brother rang again to see if I'd spoken to mum which made me feel a bit hassled but I couldn't do much as I had to get to the gym. A bit anxious at the gym, probably because I had been anxious all day, but coped fine and even popped into the supermarket for some supplies on the way home. Phoned mum when I got home and made peace with her.

This morning I have visited my friend who I fell out with a few weeks ago. It was something I had been dreading but we soon slipped back into normality. Towards the end of the visit I began to feel agitated and nervous and managed to contain it. The drive home was difficult as I was very anxious by then but I did it without stopping although I was visibly shaking by the time I got home. I think the anxiety was caused by the visit as I am very aware that this particular friend drains me. She has alot of health problems herself and I always feel I need to care for her and at the moment that is making me resentful towards her and so I have been avoiding her because of this. I don't think she drained me as much as I had expected but the anticipation caused the anxiety. I am glad I made the effort though as I proved I can drive that distance alone and therefore I am becoming more independent.