Small setbacks

Okay, so yesterday started off well. Decided to drive to my aunt's to drop off some clothes I'd promised her daughter. A bit nervous because the drive is a few miles which is more than I've driven for a few months but off I went and it went fine. I had lunch with her and drove back and that went okay too. I felt very pleased with myself. However, the afternoon was completely different. I started to worry about the function we are going to on Saturday. That is, what am I going to wear? My dresses are all too big now apart from one which I decided made me look too thin. I searched the internet frantically trying to find a suitable dress and finally ordered one. I thought I'd feel better afterwards but this anxiety and irritability wouldn't shift. So then I tried to analyse it and decided it was because I had visited R............ and P............. the previous day.

A wonderful thing happened mid-evening. R............... phoned me from the hospital. He'd had a great day, they'd allowed him out for a short while and it really had done him the world of good. He sounded almost like his old self and my mood immediately lifted. It has made me more determined to continue to visit him despite how it makes me feel.

This morning I went to see my counsellor. I was again anxious and irritated and thought he'd help, as I usually feel better after talking to him, but today I felt no better. He helped me put things into perspective, however. After lunch went out with hubby to do the usual errands and visit Mum. Had a lovely visit with Mum, she is alot happier and I relaxed there. Needed to go to the dreaded Tesco and did it without panicking but I was trembling the whole time.

All day I have felt on edge and trembly and I don't know why. Even now, sitting in my lounge my heart is thudding and I am on edge. I wonder if I am having withdrawal from the Prozac and Diazepam that I used to take. I haven't taken either for a week so I don't know. I am seeing the doctor tomorrow so I will ask her. Of course, it could just be a bad day and I am over-analysing as usual!

I have to admit I am not looking forward to the Christmas period. Saturday I have a function to go to in a dress I'm not happy with (the dress I ordered looked even worse!) and then next Tuesday I have my ladies group visiting for mince pies and wine. Then the following weekend I have hubby's mother's birthday lunch and to be honest I just can't be bothered! It's not like me - usually I love this part of the year and look forward to Christmas but this year it feels like a chore, something to drag myself through. I don't want to feel like this, I want to enjoy myself but how do I change my way of thinking?