Thank goodness

Ha! I don't remember much about yesterday evening. Felt okay. Very tired and eager to go to bed hoping for a better day to come.

This morning woke up at 5am. The first hmm, 15 seconds were lovely and relaxed and then in came the anxiety. I tried to lay there until the alarm went off but of course the anxiety got worse and the worry increased so I was in a right state by the time I got out of bed. Hubby made breakfast which I decided to throw up (lovely!). I am feeling worse and not better. Phoned the doctor as soon as surgery opened and hubby took me there. By this time I had taken 2mg Diazapam just to get there and was still trembling and terrified. Doctor was brilliant and totally understanding. He wants me to persevere with the Prozac rather than go back to Effexor (I half expected him to put me back on it) and has prescribed 5mg Diazapam for the next few weeks as required (up to 3 times a day). Apparently Diazapam is the easiest tranquilliser to come off because it stays in the body for a long time (he said 100 days!). I still feel grotty but the unbelieveable anxiety is now under control.

Phoned my boss who is being brilliant, thank goodness. Each day now I have been saying 'this is the worst day, tomorrow will be better' and it has been worse! Hopefully with this crutch things will pick up soon. This is without question the hardest medication I have had to withdraw from. Seroxat was bad but that was a walk in the park in comparison!

Learn from your mistakes

This morning woke up early feeling anxious but alot more positive. Got up and got myself going which helped. With hubby walked the dogs and actually enjoyed the experience. Stopped off at supermarket on the way home and the anxiety kicked in again. I coped though when I got home I was trembling.

Following advice I have decided to eat more bananas and oranges as these are supposed to help. So me being me I ate a banana and drank a huge glass of orange juice. Remember the sugar rush I had after eating cake for breakfast? The same thing happened! I didn't even realise until hubby mentioned the connection. Duh! I downed two glasses of plain water and just waited and have just calmed down. Phew! That was nasty. I was shivery, felt sick, was as white as a sheet and totally worn out, oh yes and of course very anxious. So I won't be doing that again!

Today on the whole is alot calmer than yesterday. I don't feel so desperate and am not tearful at the moment. I am looking forward to seeing a doctor hopefully tomorrow. I need some advice on the best way of dealing with the anxiety. Fingers crossed I will be able to see someone.

I feel very tired today and this is probably because I haven't been sleeping that well. I have started to drink more water as I think I am probably a bit dehydrated from the upset tummy. Hopefully tonight will give me a much better sleep (I'd love to wake up at a normal time for a change!) and I will have more energy tomorrow. I don't have any trouble getting to sleep but am waking up in the early hours for a bit and then walking up properly at about 7am. I want a lie in!

Floodgates

I did my best today. My very best. Drove hubby to fetch his car. Drove to town. When to chemist. You'd think I would feel calmer after achieving all that. Nope, not me! Tried to keep busy about the house but nothing seemed to calm me down. Not even doing the ironing which usually does the trick. I could feel the panic rising all morning and my mood dipped more and more. Totally fed up I took half a diazapam which did absolutely nothing! Eventually sat on the stairs and cried (poor hubby) which helped to release a bit.

Felt able to visit Mum so off we went. As soon as I got there I felt on edge (Mum doesn't know what is going on) and couldn't wait to go. I found it difficult pretending to be fine when all I really wanted to do was let it all out.

Called in on Auntie M on the way home and let it all out. She understands because she has been through it all in the past. I cried and cried. I finally started to calm down a bit and we stayed ages which helped me focus on something else for a change.

I am still feeling shaky but a little calmer. Talking to other people has soothed me a bit and helped me realise I can get through this. This has been the hardest day so far and I am hoping this is as bad as it gets. First thing Monday I am calling the doctor. I need advice now. I will not feel this bad for any length of time if I can do anything to stop it.

How long?

The evening didn't really improve and I woke up at 5am this morning feeling very anxious. Anxiety kept me awake and finally hubby awoke at 7am but which time I was in a right old state. Hot, shaky, very scared. Got straight up and on the cross-trainer for a couple of minutes to see if that helped. No. So I have now finished getting up and feeling a bit more determined to make a success of the day. This could be the worst day I've had so far and if I can get through this without resorting to Diazapam then I will be really pleased. The anxiety is a nightmare and makes me feel hopeless. Bless him, hubby is being really supportive and I must be driving him mad!

So let's see how the rest of the day goes. It has got to get better!

Some good, some not so

Butterfly tummy first thing. Upset tummy too (this usually last most of the morning). Okay the aim today was visit the chiropractor and go to the gym. So, got up and did some housework (actually felt like it). So far so good. Mid morning a surge of anxiety caught me for a while. This passed and I went to the chiropractor. I drove with hubby in the passenger seat. No problem at all although head felt a little muzzy during the drive. Home again, got ready and set off for the gym. A bit nervous but keen to do it. The gym started off great and I really started to enjoy myself - even ran for a bit! I think the run was a step too far. I started shaking and my head felt muzzy. However I continued and finished the session and walked on wobbly legs back to the car. I really should have sat and calmed down before driving off because I started to feel anxious almost immediately. It's not a long drive but there was a lot of traffic which made the anxiety worse. So how did I cope with it? I controlled my breathing and at the first opportunity I pulled off the main road onto a quieter road which helped calm me. Anxiety is so predicable, as soon as I turned into my road I got calmer!

Back home I felt a little disappointed but overall really pleased with my efforts, even though I was still shaking. Decided to have a lay down which wasn't a great idea because all I did was lay there worrying and winding myself up. So now I am up and trying to get a few things done. There is a layer of depression over my head at the moment which was caused by the driving experience. This will pass soon. How do I know when I will be alright and when I am pushing myself too far? I wish someone could tell me when I will begin to feel stronger. Hang on, I do feel stronger, much stronger than I did 2 weeks ago. I need to remember that this is going to be a long process. Hubby is so proud of me for doing well today and this depression is a minor setback that will pass as the evening comes.

My brain is so fragile at the moment. One minute I am positive and feel ready for anything and the next I am shaking and depressed. Right, I'm going to give myself a pat on the back for not giving in today and achieving what I set out to do! I succeeded, I did well, not perfect but okay, and tomorrow I will do even better!

Feeling calmer

After the usual first-thing butterflies, things began to feel pretty normal. Got up and all that and started the day. Really wanted to go out, visit Mum, do a bit of shopping, whatever. However Mum-in-law called round and that's never quick! Hubby had bookwork to do so I was basically stuck waiting until after lunch. Finally I went to Mum's alone (yey!) with no problems, no nerves, no waves of depression. Great stuff! When I got home I was exhausted (amazingly) and so I sat and Brain Trained with the TV on until hubby got home.

So basically today has been an average normal day. I did have a moment of anxiety when I felt a bit frustrated that we couldn't go out when I wanted to (I do like to control the day!) but it passed and right now, although I'm tired and a bit weary, I feel pretty normal. Now, is this the way forward or will I go back again? Who can say but it certainly makes a pleasant change to feel calm for most of the day.

Tomorrow I have two challenges: a visit to the chiropractor (5 mile drive) and a session at the gym (2 mile drive). I'm not really worried about the gym because I'm prepared for it and after last time I'm looking forward to getting back. The chiropractor should be fine it's just a new task to conquer since coming off the Effexor. It's all about regaining my confidence now.

Good friends are important

I had a terrible night full of anxiety and woke up at about 4 panicking. Took half a Diazapam which sorted that out and woke up in the morning determined I wasn't going boating and planning to spend the day visiting. Oh yes, I had worked myself up seriously! Told hubby of my plans which didn't please him but he still planned to go alone. Finally he agreed a compromise (which was all I wanted anyway) and off we set. Just before leaving I threw up (a good start!) and the drive started off with me feeling extremely anxious. We stopped at a petrol station which I decided I didn't want to feel like that so took half a Diazapam which calmed me down.

Got there feeling okay and our friends turned up. I told them what was going on with me and they were so supportive. Off we set on our journey and I felt okay but as we got further and further away I began feeling uneasy. When we finally reached our destination I crumbled. I was anxious and shaking and feeling very low. Then of course I broke down and cried. Our friends were wonderful (as was hubby) and comforted me. I was all ready to down another Diazapam but settled instead for a stiff gin and tonic which did the trick. We lunched and I began to relax and enjoy (yes, enjoy!) myself. By the time we got back to our mooring I felt great, tired but great. The evening was enjoyable and I had a couple of glasses of wine and an early night.

Next morning I woke up feeling great. Happy and relaxed. Wonderful! Mind you, I had a bit of a headache as did hubby (alcohol!) so we cleaned up the boat and set off home. The drive home was a breeze, I felt so relaxed.

We were both exhausted so had a (long) nap and yes, I woke up feeling relaxed! I think our gas heater on the boat needs some attention and this is what caused us both to feel off-colour because now I have a stuffy nose and we both have heavy heads. Not that I really care, I just feel so normal today! Roll on tomorrow!

I was so bored stuck at home this afternoon which is good I think. Hubby revealed he wants us to do a couple of days on the boat and take it out. This should please me but I really don't want to do it. He wasn't willing to compromise so either I go and endure it (I know, and possibly enjoy it) or I stay at home alone and I don't want to do either. I could really do without pressure like this at the moment. A great wave of depression washed over me and I broke down and then got angry. All a waste of emotion because he didn't shift! So I went to the gym full of anger and anxiety, the first 20 minutes were a disaster with me shaking and feeling very frail but then I perked up and enjoyed the rest of the session. Back home my mood has dipped again and now I don't feel I can communicate with hubby at the moment. I guess he's getting frustrated with me and I can understand that. I hate not wanting to do stuff but it is a very strong emotion. It's not just not wanting to, I feel that I am unable to.

I think the fatigue I have felt has been replaced with anxiety. Oh joy! So, do I push myself or do I listen to my instincts? I don't know. When I feel like this it feels hopeless but I know I will perk up again. I just wish I knew how much longer I am going to feel like this.

Normalish

Woke up with the butterflies again and decided that getting myself going was the best tactic. I don't feel so weary which is great and have already cleaned the bathroom and kitchen and done some washing. I'm feeling kind of normal but a bit agitated, not too bad at all although my sparkle is lacking a bit. I don't feel depressed as such, just a bit flat and, of course, worried. Worry seems to take up so much of my thoughts at the moment so I'm trying to keep my mind occupied.

I have decided that today I will follow my instincts totally so if I feel tired I will nap (if I can) and am spending the day pottering about the house doing bits here and there. The weather is grotty which kind of suits me. As the day progresses I am feeling lighter and less anxious. I think now I need to push myself a little and make myself do things. I plan to go to the gym later which should be interesting! Hopefully I won't be too tired!

I must listen to my instincts!

As I was saying, I woke this morning feeling a little weary and pushed this feeling aside to walk the dogs. Actually the walk was fine, I worried a little about getting panicky but nothing happened. Felt slightly irritated towards the end and wanted to go but stayed it out for our usual cuppa and teacake at the cafe. Once home I started feeling low and anxious and my stomach got upset. Okay, I thought, I can give in or push on. So what do I do? I push on! Erring on the side of caution as I was feeling grotty by now I took half a Diazapam to calm the anxiety. Wonderful stuff it worked a treat and I managed to (wait for it):- visit one of the flats with hubby and chatted with tenants, visited Mum with a smile on my face, went to Tesco (and I hate Tesco) and, athough by now I was knackered, went to B & Q. Got home exhausted and flopped in the armchair with the Sunday paper for a couple of hours before rousing myself and having a bath.

I should really have napped but for some reason didn't want to. Looking back I should have called it quits when my body told me, after the walk, but I didn't want to give in. I am pleased with all the things I achieved today, but I know that I only managed half of them because of the Diazapam I took. Okay, maybe the grottiness would have passed as I got on with things but I didn't really give myself the change to find out.

On a different note, I decided to Google 'post viral fatigue' to see if my symptoms matched. Really shouldn't have done that because they match pretty well! When I visit the doctor next, in a couple of weeks, I will mention it (without mentioning the Googling) just to get his opinion. I don't really think it applies to me but I guess I'm trying to find reasons for the way I'm feeling rather than just accepting that this is my body adjusting from Effexor to Prozac. I need to give it time and am so always so impatient!

Hubby is wanting to visit the boat for a couple of days next week and I'm not sure about it. He wants to take the boat out which makes me nervous at the best of the times. I am going to see how I feel and not be pressured into doing something that'll make me feel worse. I love going to the boat but not every week! I like being at home too!

A step forward

So, last night was a success. I really enjoyed myself. Nervous at first, I was worried I would dip and have to go home but, no! Stayed right to the end and enjoyed myself. I had a few strange 'I don't belong here' moments which I know is my lack of confidence at the moment, but I managed to push them aside. I can quite honestly say the only problem I had was with my lack of confidence.

This morning I woke up reluctantly and with the now-normal butterflies in my stomach. My mood is a bit lower than yesterday and I am nervous about walking the dogs. I guess I did a lot yesterday and am a bit weary today. I plan to walk the dogs and will probably take the rest of the day easy if I can and allow myself to recover. Really want to visit Mum today, I haven't seen her for a week!

I have a week off work now (half term) and I know I am needing to get right by the end of the week. I am not sure if I'm expecting too much or being too hesitant. Which is it?!

continued

Adding on from the last post I must make a mental note never to scoff a huge French fancy for breakfast! Talk about a sugar rush! I felt so sick and anxious I had to lay down until it passed. Thinking back, this has happened to me before - cake is not for breakfast!

Once I had recovered I got on with hoovering and ironing (very energetic for me at the moment) and then sat down to Brain Training before lunch. I am finding occasional rests during the day are helping.

Visited my friend which I am really pleased about. Yes I was nervous during the visit but I settled down and enjoyed it. I felt pretty normal!

At the moment I am resting again, I've been reading for a bit and am girding my loins in readiness for the evening ahead. I have a party to go to which I am looking forward to a great deal. I really want to be okay then. I decided not to take a nap after having such a bad night's sleep. I guess it's all about balancing things out. If I do stuff then I need to rest, I can't nap each day and expect to sleep properly each night, I must eat properly, I must try to do a little more each day. I am now beginning to re-enter myself into my life again!

Good to go

I felt so much better yesterday and had a lovely day pottering about the house. After lunch my energy dipped and I napped, for 2 and a half hours! It was a lovely relaxing nap but I woke with (not surprisingly) a headache. Anyway, the rest of the day felt pretty normal although hubby annoyed me. Not really his fault, he suggested I did the shopping for the party tomorrow on my own. Oh no! Anyway I did consider it. Appetite is better, ate some chocolate which I haven't been able to face for a week. Noticed my smoking has increased a little, probably because I don't feel so sick. I'll have to watch that one! Had a bad night's sleep - probably because of the marathon nap I had. Woke up a couple of times with my mind going over and over, worrying about going shopping (no surprise there) and going over old stuff that means nothing now. Woke up very early and made a plan. I agreed to go to the bakery and hubby do the rest. Compromise!

So hubby left early and I got up and set off to the bakery. No problem! Yey! That felt good! Treated myself to a French fancy which I ate for breakfast.

I want to visit a friend today, they live in the same village so it's not far to go and they are ill so I want to see them. I'll be very pleased if I can do that problem-free.

Changes noted

Today I have woken up feeling much better, very optimistic and ... happy! Wow, what a relief! The shivering is still there and I have a feeling I will dip later but it's a start! I actually feel like I want to do stuff today however I must remember 'baby steps' so I will get some housework underway rather than go out and knacker myself. Hmm, maybe just maybe I've turned a corner.

Here are a few interesting things I have noticed since stopping the Effexor:

1. I don't wake up with a headache anymore.
2. I am not bruising easily anymore.
3. I am not overheating anymore.
4. My blood pressure is absolutely normal, rather than high.
5. My pulse rate is lower.
6. I am not getting easily irritated.

These are all things I was willing to put up with at the time, in fact the only thing I wasn't willing to put up with was the high blood pressure which was why I came off the stuff, but it is wonderful not to have legs covered in bruises and to be able to wear a sweater without overheating. What was the Effexor doing to my body? Effectively, I think it was poisoning me!

I am sure Effexor has a valuable place in the medical dictionary but for people like me, with run-of-the-mill anxiety and depression I think it is too strong and carries too many risks. To have my mind and body controlled the way it has been during withdrawal is major and very frightening and indicates to me that it is indeed a very powerful drug. I have felt like a drug addict becoming clean of heroin or something!

Thankfully my hubby has been my rock, I think I would've given in and gone back on it the other day when I broke down if it hadn't been for him supporting me. I am sure if I had gone to the doctor's instead I would have been admitted or drugged up to the eyeballs by now.

I think today is going to be a good day, I'll let you know!

who did I say I was?

The remainder of yesterday was uneventful. The journey to the boat was calm, in fact I didn't feel anything at all. My head felt ... blank, woolly, spacey. Maybe the Prozac is kicking in. I felt drugged! Did some stuff helping with the boat but by lunchtime started to feel rough, shivery and weak so I napped. Bliss! How wonderful just to lay and relax. I managed to relax by doing breathing exercises. After about an hour I got up feeling a bit better and actually managed to walk the dogs with hubby. Yey! No anxiety while walking which is great. Can't believe how knackered I felt all day but definitely better than yesterday! The dogs were amazing - in the evening they just layed with me. Dog no. 1 even got on the sofa and cuddled up which he never does! Maybe they were comforting me.

So this morning I woke up feeling okay, a bit (okay alot) disassociated from life in general but made a plan and followed it. Apparently I had been giggling in my sleep so I don't know what that was about! Got up slowly, showered, etc., and set about cleaning the bathroom and cabin. Pretty quickly I got fatigued and had to sit down and rest. Hubby tried to do a deal with me i.e. if we stay over another night and take the boat out he will take me shopping for boots. Usually this would've worked a treat (me being shallow!) but I couldn't face it. Baby steps and all that. I explain how upsetting I found it saying no to him all the time and he was okay. Just as well.

Finally he was ready to leave (me having been ready for ages and pretty much pacing the boat) and immediately at that point I started to feel better. The drive home was easy and I relaxed and started feeling pretty normal and that feeling lasted for the rest of the day. Wonderful!

Maybe I have reached the lowest point and am starting to recover? I hope so and it does feel like that. So let's see what happens next!

It was gonna happen

Well, I did what I set out to do yesterday and felt odd all morning. The ball of anxiety in my chest was ever-present and I felt myself wilting at lunchtime. I pushed myself to carry on but could feel the anxiety and depressing starting to wash over me so I went for a lay down. Well that didn't work and I got up again. I didn't really know what to do with myself so I thought "I know I'll look at the Effexor forum for some advice". That was such a bad idea! I homed in straight away to a terrible posting which frightened me (in fact it terrified me) and I started to panic and lose control.

Thank goodness I found some Diazapam in my bedside cabinet (left over from a holiday flight). I took 5mg and then found hubby in the shed. I was terrified and just clung to him, sobbing. I have never felt so ill in all my life. I was convinced I was going to end up being locked away and with hubby leaving me, etc, etc. He calmed me down and got me on the cross-trainer (the theory being that exercise will use up the adreline I had pumping around me). It did help. I calmed down and the Diazapam kicked in and I felt calm for the rest of the day. Amazing!

So, today I am off to the boat with hubby. I don't want to be alone and he doesn't want to leave me alone so off I go. A bit apprehensive about the drive but I have the Diazapam safely in my bag in case of emergencies. I am kind of looking forward to getting away from home. A change of scenery and all that.

Stomach still upset so am feeling very thin. Definitely feel more optimistic today so here goes!

Day by day

So this is the first day of my new goal. The goal is to recover from the anxiety the withdrawal has given me and to regain my confidence with the withdrawal has taken away from me. I feel ... odd. I feel sad that I am not at work and therefore the day holds no excitement for me. However this is the excitement that is causing the anxiety to worsen so this is how it has to be. I feel a bit empty without a direction to the day and this is what I am going to address. I will give each day an aim and today I am sorting out the dresser! I need to have an aim and an achievement for each day to prevent depression setting in.

Hubby hasn't told me to shut up anymore, thank goodness! He must feel the pressure too.

So, finish the blog, have a cup of tea, do the washing up and sort out the washing and then sort out the dresser. That's a plan! If hubby has to pop out anywhere I may go with him for the car ride and fresh air.

Let's take it from there!

What was I saying?!

Last night was dreadful. Early evening the ball of anxiety in my chest opened up and I started shaking and feeling depressed then I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. Hubby wasn't so understanding. He told me to shut up! I think he's had enough of it all and I can't say I blame him. Eventually I stopped crying and had a good night's sleep. This morning I went to work with some reservations. I was worrying more and decided to really try and hopefully things would feel better. Work was actually okay, I felt a bit depressed but managed to cope and even cheered up a bit. That is until I left to go to Carol's for lunch. I walked in and just broke down. I couldn't stop crying. I was sick. It was horrible. It was however so beneficial to be able to talk to someone unreservedly without worrying about their feelings. I have been holding back with hubby because he has to live with me and it must be hard for him, day in and day out. So letting go was a relief.

I decided there and then to be sensible and give myself a chance to recover properly. I have phoned work and told them I will not be in for the rest of the week. I have cancelled my hair appointment and I have cancelled the gym. I really hate halting my life like this but I can see no other way of giving myself a chance to recover. I think I probably don't need the added stress of coping with other stuff at the moment. I hope hubby can understand this.

This has happened before, to a degree. A few good days and a few crap ones. And some very crap ones. I'm certain in a few days I'll start feeling better again. If it continues then it's off to the doc's again for some advice (and a sick note!).

Maintaining

Well, yesterday was a success - felt very nervous at first but continued and the anxiety faded. Mind you, when I got home I was exhausted! Very pleased that I walked a distance from the car with no ill effects. Did everything I wanted to do! Hubby wanted me to go to Tescos in the evening which would have been a real challenge but I cried off. I don't want to overdo it and go backwards and also, I hate Tescos!

Napped in the afternoon for 2 hours which was wonderful. It is wonderful to be able to nap again. Hubby really wanted to go to boat today and I hated saying no but I need to be careful not to overdo it. The travelling would have been too much right now. I know my limits and how far to push myself and, as I keep reminding myself, I must take baby steps.

Woke up this morning feeling anxious again, this is becoming a pattern. Today I plan to pick up Mum and take dogs out. Of course, I am feeling nervous which is daft but expected. I know all will go well and it is a case of building my confidence up again. My mood is pretty stable - I am worrying alot but I think this is due to lack of confidence rather than withdrawal.

I'm pretty sure I am over the worst now (I hope so!) and it is a case of gradually building up to normal functioning now. Where work is concerned, if I get through this week with no major hiccups then it will be plain sailing! I have a week off after that (half term) and so things will be back to normal, assuming I maintain where I am now.

I must find a way to control the worrying because this I am sure is contributing to the anxiety.

A major plus is that my heart rate has slowed down and my blood pressure is lower than before! Hopefully my blood pressure will get even lower and then I will have achieved what I set out to do initially. I really do think that coming off the Effexor is going to be beneficial in the long run. I'll worry about the Prozac when I've dealt with everything else!

Another good day

Friday and things are rather stable. Work was a pleasure! Felt a little separated from things a bit which I know is the Prozac as I had this feeling when on the Effexor. I will have to see if this balances out. If it doesn't then I will have to reduce the Prozac but that won't happen for a month or two.

Returned to the gym. It was such a relief to return to my routine and I really enjoyed myself with no anxiety and the drive home was a breeze.

I'm still having some anxiety that I would rather not have and am worrying over silly little things such as going into a shop alone but these are just worries as I know I can do them. Went to the little supermarket in Holland yesterday and had no problem with it at all but I did worry about it beforehand. I think as I begin to trust that I am in recovery I will begin to worry less and less.

Am planning a quiet weekend as I'm feeling quite tired now. I am sleeping much better which is wonderful and I plan to take advantage of this and catch up!

So now I have had three days feeling balanced and have to remind myself of these when I get frustrated that I am not 100% yet. I am in such a hurry to be well again and I need to remember to take baby steps and not overdo it. So now I am off out to run a few errands (chemist, haberdashery and to shop for decor for the new dining room. Let's see how I do!

Feeling Good!

The rest of yesterday went smoothly with me enjoying my time along. It took me a while to get to sleep but other than that things were good. The anxiety faded over the evening and this morning I woke up feeling great! Work was great, very little anxiety, although towards the end my head started getting 'busy' so I guess I'd had enough. Even so the drive home went well - no panic!

I am feeling good and so pleased that I had such a good day at work even with hubby away. I'm about to go visit a gym friend to give her a pedicure. I don't know her very well, and I'm not sure how to get to her house but I'm not worried at all. It's simple with the TomTom so no worries!

Fingers crossed this positive feeling becomes the norm now. If it doesn't at least I know that I will feel this good again.

Progress!

This morning I woke up feeling anxious. Decided to take 2 Prozac and then went off to the doctors. My doctor is certainly proving himself! He spent time with me rather than rushing me and I explained how I was feeling and how bad I had been feeling. He (hooray!) wants me to take 2 Prozac daily which is a relief. He told me he had researched the withdrawal problems which is great news because now he can emphasise with me.

Basically there is no time limit on recovery and there is no best way of coping with it except to do as much or as little as I feel I can. This takes some pressure off me because I'm not 'wrong' if I need to be driven rather than drive, or if I feel I can't cope with work. If it works for me then its good. So, yey!, I don't have to push myself too hard and can allow myself to recover in my own time.

I have been stressing about driving to work, feeling unwell and then being unable to drive back. What will happen to my car? How will I get home? Who will look after me? Discussed this with him and he helped me realise that the car can be left, I can get a taxi and I can ask anyone at work for help. There is a solution to all my worries!

The day has passed with me continuing to feel anxious, although I feel happier in myself. I made the decision to talk to my boss and friends at work and tell them what is going on and I'm glad I did because they were very supportive and now I don't feel so isolated about it all.

So, I don't have to rush this process and I have to allow myself to recover at my own speed. It would have been wonderful just to be able to carry on as normal with no one knowing but I am not Superwoman!

I big plus is that I am now only smoking about four cigarettes a day and I have lost half a stone! I am sure this will all change as I get better but it's good!

Hubby is away on the boat for the night so it will be interesting to see how I cope at home alone. At the moment I am absolutely fine.

My most prominent symptoms at the moment are shaking and anxiety. It could be a lot worse and if I can cope with the anxiety especially then I am pleased with myself.

A Step Forward

The rest of yesterday had me feeling a bit grotty. Nothing terrible but more anxious than I would like and woke up this morning feeling anxious. Took 2 Prozac today as scheduled and had a great morning. Started to feel a bit weary late morning but no anxiety! Work was really busy and I coped with it all but I have to admit I was glad to go as I was getting tired. Visited Mum with no problems although I could feel myself getting tired. The drive home was absolutely fine! Thanks goodness! I have a feeling that I should be taking 2 Prozac daily so I shall talk to the doctor about this tomorrow and hopefully he will agree.

I am so glad to be back at work because it makes me feel normal again. I'm taking it easy in the afternoons/evenings which seems to help. I really hope that this is the way forward now. I didn't enjoy the dip in my mood yesterday and really want to be kept on the higher dose of Prozac for a few months until I'm sure all the nasty, horrible Effexor is out of my system!

Too soon?

So yesterday was a good day after taking the extra Prozac. Walked the dogs and enjoyed it, fantastic! Went to local supermarket and was absolutely fine, fantastic! Life is getting back on track. So, today I go to work. A bit shaky at first and then perked up. By 11am began to feel 'dodgy' and started thinking 'gonna have to phone hubby soon and get him to pick me up', but that feeling passed and the rest of the morning passed with me feeling capable and enjoying being back at work. Visited brother after work with no problems. So then I had to drive the seven miles home. Started off okay but anxiety set in and the last few miles were horrendous. There is a long stretch where I am unable to pull over if need be and this was the worst. I pinched myself so hard on the leg I must have left a bruise!

Now I feel grotty and am worrying about working tomorrow (good old anxiety, it always gets me!). I wonder if this is because I have overdone it and done too much or if I need to take 2 Prozac each day rather than every other day, or what?! My stomach is upset (again) and I feel trembly. I guess I don't know what is going on. I'll be glad to see the doctor on Wednesday and talk to him about it. I must admit I am hoping that he wants me to increase to 2 Prozac daily.

Tomorrow I will be taking 2 Prozac as scheduled so I'll have to see how that goes.

The anxiety seems to come in waves and then pass - is this a good thing that means I am on the way up or is this a bad thing that means I'm heading down? Time will tell. Judging by when I halved the Effexor I should start losing the pysical effects by the end of this week but I am feeling much worse than then so I don't know if it will last longer. Arrrr! This is so frustrating!

Realisation

So the doctor thought me increasing the Prozac wouldn't have an immediate effect. Shows what he knows! Okay to see if this was true I only took one for the past couple of days and was absolutely fine. In fact yesterday was great! Went shopping and apart from completely overheating everything went well and the rest of the day was fantastic, visited friends and did housework and felt ... normal! Anyway, I woke up today feeling a bit irritated. Started my period suddenly so put it down to that but then, wow, my head started spinning and my mood changed completely so I immediately took another pill and now its fading, thank goodness! It is obvious to me that the increased Prozac is compensating for the lack of Effexor so I shall continue to take one every other day and see how that goes. My doctor's appointment is only a few days away now and it will be interesting to see what he has to say about all these symptoms and the amazing impact the increased Prozac has had. Yesterday felt so wonderful, it was such a relief to feel happy and interested in things and keen to do stuff and I was really chuffed with myself.

So, tomorrow I aim to go back to work. Providing the extra pill has kicked in (which I think it will) and I feel as good as I did yesterday then I can't see any problem and I am really looking forward to getting back to 'normal'.

Interestingly, while I was in my favourite shop I was chatting to the owner who has had a virus recently with very similar symptoms to those I have been experiencing (without the mood changes and dizziness obviously). She was nauseous, sweating, upset tummy and very tired. So I am pretty sure my withdrawal has been compounded by a virus.

I plan to walk the dogs today with hubby and am pretty sure that it will be fine. Yey! Life is getting back on track!

Moving forward

Thursday evening I went with hubby to boat, enduring a 1 hr 20 min drive which I found gave me anxiety but getting on the boat was great and I was glad to have gone. Friday morning woke up feeling bright and cheerful and busied myself around the boat until lunchtime when I had a dip and started feeling ill. The movement of the boat really affected my dizzy head which I coped with most of the time but it got to me after a while. Managed to have a nap (yippee I haven't managed to have one for a week!) and felt better after. We drove back early evening and I felt ill but okay if you see what I mean. Getting home I felt immediately better being on solid ground, transport seems to upset my balance at the moment. Spoke to Debbie at work and had a lovely chat. I still haven't told anyone at work what is really going on and am hoping to keep it that way, I don't want them thinking I am weak and I don't want them feeling sorry for me.

So things are looking up. Had a good night's sleep, still woke up during the night but had no sweats (2nd night running!) and no horrible dreams. Today I woke up feeling bright and cheerful and really positive. Have only taken one Prozac today rather than two to see how I feel with it. I don't want to take more than I really need and maybe that extra boost the other day was all I needed, we will see!

I plan to go to my favourite shop today and treat myself, I think I deserve it! Feeling so positive is a lovely feeling and I think (think being the operative word) that I am over the worst. If today stays good then I know I'm on the home stretch.

Have decided to cancel my meal out with the girls on Tuesday because I don't want to push myself and overdo it. I have realised that I cannot fight this and be silly and deny how bad I have been and need to take baby steps for a little while. If need be work will have to take a back seat for another week, I will take each day as it comes and see how I go.

Continued...

Decided to take some positive action as I am still feeling rubbish. Phoned doctors who couldn't see me today so I weighed up the odds and took another Prozac which had a positive effect almost immediately. Maybe this is psychological or maybe, and in my mind most probably, it fed my poor brain what it was needing. Anyway I made an appointment for tomorrow and got in a state because I knew this would stop hubby from going to the boat. I decided I was more important that the boat and have put myself first.

Hubby listened to me and I spent the morning visiting the flats with him and feeling okay, a little dopey but otherwise okay. Hubby phoned doctors lunchtime to see if I could get in any earlier and, wonderfully, the doctor phoned me back! He didn't sound too pleased on my self-medication but listened to me and agreed that I could up the dose every alternate day, at least until my appointment on Wednesday. Thank goodness he listened!

So, I am feeling a little better and alot more in control. I still seem to be trembling and my stomach isn't quite right but the dizziness has improved as has my mood so things are on the up! It seems to be amazing how much better I feel by taking control of the situation and doing things my way

Up and down

Terrible night with very vivid dreams and sweats. Kept waking up worrying about nothing and everything. Stomach seems very upset so am losing weight (a plus I guess!) but this may be adding to my fatigue and lightheadedness. Have just drunk a salty drink to try to rehydrate.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself and more than a bit frustrated today. Last night I suddenly started to worry that I cannot function without Effexor and am scared that I will get worse and not better. I know hubby's worried about me because he doesn't want to go to paint the boat without me but I don't know if I can face the journey and/or being on the boat. It won't help the dizzyness I know and also there's the boredom factor. I wish he would just stay here and take care of me for a few more days because I need him to help me stop the worrying. He's going to phone my boss today and explain what is going on which is the sensible thing to do but I think all along I was just hoping to get through it without them knowing. How naive! I know I'll have their support but I don't like the thought of them thinking I'm weak.

I must stop looking at the Effexor forums and scaring myself. I need to remember that alot of these people are far worse than me which is why they find it so difficult. I don't have the same mental disorders that they do and I have more support than they probably have.

I am definitely a little more anxious today and I think that is because I'm afraid that this is going to take longer than I first anticipated. Roll on next Wednesday when I can see the doctor. Hopefully he will increase the dose of Prozac which should ease all these nasty symptoms.

In spite of all the worries and feeling like crap I am optimistic that things are going to get better. I know that physically I am improving and I need to keep in mind that this has only been going on since Saturday which is six days. Next week should see some great improvements. I am certain of that!

Improving ... !

Today I woke up feeling good - very good and immediately started thinking about returning to work tomorrow but, wouldn't you know it, lunchtime comes and I start feeling rough again. Rough as in, weak and feeble, nauseous and trembly. So I guess although I'm feeling better, I'm not there yet. I think I must try my hardest not to push myself too hard and overdo it as I don't think that will do me any good.

Anyway, the furniture came is a great and now I'm resting my butt until Tesco deliver the shopping.

Probably not going back to work tomorrow which is a real shame as that was the day I was aiming for but I want to go back feeling well. I also believe the cold I've had has contributed to some of the feelings I've been getting. Definitely the weakness and going hot and cold so I'm not just going through withdrawal, I'm also 'genuinely' sick!

Continued...

How silly I am! Fancy thinking I was doing so well. Decided to go shopping with hubby and walking from the car to the bank was more than enough. Dizzy head and upset tummy which, of course, caused anxiety. Rested in car before embarking on the supermarket which I managed to do without too much of a problem. Well, at least I made the effort! Back at home the improved energy meant I could do the ironing and change the bed so at least I feel like doing more.

I am so bored with being stuck indoors! I really want to go back to work but I think tomorrow is too soon. So, I will stay at home tomorrow and see how it goes. Maybe Thursday I will be up to work and I really hope so. I feel so useless at the moment, as if I'm marking time which, of course, is exactly what I am doing. I need to allow myself to have this time to get over the withdrawal but really don't like giving up my freedom, it makes me remember how it used to be and I don't want to go backwards.

My dogs appear to be hibernating with me. They are very quiet and just sleeping. If I get up then they follow but I think they must know something is wrong because they are being so gentle. Poor things.

Next Day

Last night I had a really strange mood swing which lasted about 10 minutes where I felt completely depressed and anxious and scared. And then it went. Very odd and it made me wonder what else is in store for me. During the night I had horrendous sweats and very vivid dreams, waking up several times with the dreams going over and over in my head.

Today I feel ... better. Tummy not so upset. Dizzy head not quite so bad. Definitely more energetic. Maybe I'm over the worst? Well, at least until the next mood swing!

Really don't want to be alone today so asked hubby to stay at home rather than go to the boat. I feel bad stopping him going as he has stuff he wants to do but if I stay here alone today I will be afraid of what might happen. I don't know what could happen, just feel worse I suppose.

Really want to get back to work now. Rattling around in the house is rapidly becoming very boring and feels quite solitary and right now I need company! I am thinking of giving it a go tomorrow. I'll just see how the day pans out and then decide.

Entry One: October 1st 2007

First a brief history:

I have been taking Effexor XL for approx. 5 years in varying doses. I have previously tried to reduce the dose but have always reverted back to 150mg daily. At the end of July this year I needed to reduce the dose due to high blood pressure so cut back to 75mg daily.

After the first week of feeling dizzy and lightheaded I stuck with it until a month later when I went back to the doctor because I was having terrible mood swings and anxiety, and the dizzy feeling hadn't really gone. His immediate reaction was to put me back on the full dose which I wasn't prepared to do. I don't want to be taking blood pressure medication for the rest of my life because of a tablet I don't want to take anymore. I told the doctor of my research in withdrawing from Effexor and asked him to put me on a low dose of Prozac to ease symptoms. After consulting with another doctor he did this and the effect was almost immediate. I soon began to feel 'normal' and capable again. Yey!

Right, so now I am on the next phase of the reduction. Still taking the Prozac I have now stopped the Effexor completly. How terrified was I on Saturday when I did this!

Now I am on day three of 'no Effexor' and I have a bad cold too so I am not feeling great. As far as I can tell the withdrawal is causing the dizzy head again (very bad) and an upset tummy. These things I can cope with. I have taken time off work naming the cause of my illness the flu to buy me some time until the dizzy head improves. From last time's experience I think I should feel better in a couple more days. And then, of course, I will have to wait and see how my emotions are going to be. So far so good, but last time the mood swings began in the second week. I will be going back to the doctor next week (on Wednesday) and hope that he will increase the dose of Prozac if I need it. I may not, but I don't know. This is going to be a real rollercoaster ride!

How proud of myself am I at the moment?! Really proud! I thought I would never have the courage to do this but hubby's being fantastic and I couldn't do it without him.

I am fearful that I will regress back into a depressive mood that won't shift but I know that it won't happen, at least not for any length of time. Effexor is horrific to come off. I have read so many horror stories about it and about people that are resigned to staying on it for the rest of their lives. I am not going to be one of those people. By the end of this week I will begin to feel better and will get myself back to functioning normality and just wait and see how my moods go. If I feel low then I will deal with it then.