Getting on with it

I haven't felt the need to write my blog recently which I guess shows how much better I am feeling. Christmas went quite well and I am now visiting Roger regularly without much anxiety which is a real achievement. My routine is completely out of sync because of Christmas and so is my diet - I have gained 5 lbs and now feel podgy. I am still less than I weighed before all this started.

Basically I feel pretty normal although yesterday and today my mood has been lower than usual. I think this is hormonal because its exactly 2 weeks ago that I felt like this before and I am on a three week cycle which means this is PMT (which I have always suffered from). I'm keeping an eye on it but am pretty sure that is what it is.

Next Thursday I return to work and am both looking forward to it and worrying about it. I had a horrible dream last night where I was late for work with no make up on and everyone was wondering where I was. I guess this is quite self-explanatory. I am worrying about how people at work will think of me and perceive me and how I will get to work okay. I have to drive which is about 7 miles and, although hubby is driving me the first day, I am concerned about panicking during the driving. I will just have to try and see.

My counsellor is being really helpful and I am seeing my emotions alot more clearly. Sometimes things are so obvious but you don't see them until they are pointed out.

I visited my friend, C................, who upset me a while ago. All was fine until she said 'you cannot expect your friends to be there for you'. What?! I took it to say 'you cannot expect me to be there for you'. Our friendship has been floundering since before I was in withdrawal and she has kept well away from me for months. I my mind friendship is two-sided and you should help one another. Well, I have helped her for nearly 10 years and now I feel she has let me down. I am hurt to say the least but there you go.

Facing up to things

I haven't written in my blog for a few days because things have been going pretty well and also I've been busy living! It's not been all good however. Last week I had about 5 good days where I felt much happier and calmer. I have had a couple of really good sessions at the gym and felt really confident there, alone, last Friday plus the driving was easy. Saturday was freezing but sunny and I only ventured out of the house once, to go to town and buy some essentials (plus a bit of retail therapy). I went with hubby and felt pretty good. Then we visited P............... at home before returning home. I was rather bored during the evening and began feeling lonely.

Sunday morning we walked the dogs with some friends and their dog and it was lovely. We walked along the beach and I felt great until I realised I had walked further than I ever had. I began to feel anxious once I felt out of my depth but managed to keep it under control and the feeling passed. After the walk we had a family lunch to attend. I haven't been looking forward to this lunch for several reasons. My mother-in-law irritates me, the last time I saw my brother in law and his family they were all arguing with each other and that irritated me, so you can imagine I wasn't looking forward to lunch with them all. Plus the venue was pretty grotty! The lunch went better than I thought although I felt agitated throughout. I also felt disassociated which I know is my body finding a way to protect me from my anxiety. So anyway I got through it with a smile on my face and we dropped my mum home. In the car she started talking about Christmas and my brother and will he/won't he turn up and hubby started saying that we should all go away for Christmas and mum started agreeing with him and I started to feel really wound up and angry. I told them I wish Christmas wasn't happening and I hated this time of year. Hubby was telling me I was wound up because of my brother and he started raising his voice and I could feel myself getting more and more anxious. I could see it was upsetting mum but I couldn't hide my feelings. Things calmed down and I hugged mum and we drove home. The next morning my brother phoned me up all concerned because mum was upset and I told him the reason and promised to talk to her. I went to my counsellor and poured all the frustration out to him and the tears flowed and flowed. After alot of talking (the poor man must have had sore ears afterwards!) he suggested that maybe Christmas is amplifying feelings I already have and I have to agree with him. All I want is for Christmas to be my family all together for Christmas day but it never happens. My brother has his father in law and occasionally our mum, and my brother in law has his wife's family. We are left out totally and are expected to entertain hubby's mother and anyone else that is being left out that year. It always feels like no one wants us and that makes me feel unwanted. Childish I know, but this is how I feel.

Anyway, after this realisation I was quite shaken up, I thought I had sorted out my insecurities years ago but I guess because I am emotionally fragile at the moment it has reappeared.

After lunch me and hubby went to see R.............. I was still shaky and felt reluctant but also felt I wanted to go and so off we went. I drove which helped occupy my mind and we managed to park really close. Entering the hospital I was shaky and anxious. I remained shaky and anxious throughout the visit but dispite this it was a good visit. R............ is making progress and he was really pleased to see me. He is starting to talk like his old self which is wonderful and is starting to move his leg. It really cheered me up.

Back home my brother rang again to see if I'd spoken to mum which made me feel a bit hassled but I couldn't do much as I had to get to the gym. A bit anxious at the gym, probably because I had been anxious all day, but coped fine and even popped into the supermarket for some supplies on the way home. Phoned mum when I got home and made peace with her.

This morning I have visited my friend who I fell out with a few weeks ago. It was something I had been dreading but we soon slipped back into normality. Towards the end of the visit I began to feel agitated and nervous and managed to contain it. The drive home was difficult as I was very anxious by then but I did it without stopping although I was visibly shaking by the time I got home. I think the anxiety was caused by the visit as I am very aware that this particular friend drains me. She has alot of health problems herself and I always feel I need to care for her and at the moment that is making me resentful towards her and so I have been avoiding her because of this. I don't think she drained me as much as I had expected but the anticipation caused the anxiety. I am glad I made the effort though as I proved I can drive that distance alone and therefore I am becoming more independent.

Pushing the boundaries

Yesterday was a good day. The morning was frosty and sunny so we decided to go to the boat for the day. It was lovely. We took the boat out and, apart from me stressing about mooring, it was good fun. We really enjoyed each other's company and took the dogs for a long walk along the riverside which was really enjoyable. The drive home was a little less successful. The car broke down on the motorway. We called the AA and had to wait. The traffic was hurtling past, very close to us and so we had to get out of the car and wait in the bushes with the dogs. We walked along a bit to get further away from the traffic and had to wait. It was cold and dark and noisy and very frightening. I was terrified I would lose grip of the dog's lead and he would get run over. I was terrified that I would have a panic attack and lose control and just, well, run. So I did my deep breathing exercises and hung on to the fence. In fact, I wrapped one arm around the fence in case I passed out! We had to stay there for an hour and to be honest I don't know how I kept control of myself. But I did. Eventually the AA arrived and moved us to a safe area to look at the car. Sitting in the car I began shaking and really had to get a grip and try to calm down. Bless him, hubby got me a cup of tea which helped to divert my attention. They couldn't mend the car so we had to wait for a tow truck which came and took us home.

Once in the two truck I calmed down completely but immediately started to worry how the event would effect me. By the end of the evening, however, I realised that everything was okay and we had always been safe and it was me overreacting as usual.

So on to today. Felt pretty good all day. Went to see my counsellor who had left me a message that he couldn't see me today. I wasn't that bothered to be honest and just drove home again. No stress. Mother-in-law visited later on and for once she didn't wind me up which is progress! All in all a very normal day which is great. I am rather chuffed that I enjoyed yesterday and didn't flip out when we broke down. I feel that having to deal with the car has moved me forward a bit. If I can cope with a situation like that then day-to-day stuff seems much less daunting.

Agitation

I have been so irritated today! Everything hubby said I seemed to take the wrong way. I think it is PMT (joy!). Felt extremely anxious this morning. Went out with hubby to do some bits - the usual stuff, shopping, visit Mum, etc. Went into the dreaded Tesco which I coped with but with legs of jelly. I'm getting fed up with this feeling now. Very irritated at Mum's. She has a bad knee which is a bit of a worry at the moment. My brother was there and so the bungalow was a bit crowded (it's not very big). Hubby started barking orders about his coffee, a glass of water, etc., and I snapped at him. Definitely PMT!

Once home I got on with hoovering in preparation for this evening. I fitted in a meditation session, too. Felt very anxious as it got later and nearer to my friends visiting. Of course, once they arrived I calmed down although I felt a little annoyed that they were there (!). However, the evening went well and I went to bed exhausted and determined not to be such a grouch tomorrow.

Gloomy gloomy

A bit of an Eeyore day. The heavens opened in the morning which never helps my mood. My aim had been to go out in the morning to get some Christmas cards and some shopping but hubby wanted to get some bookwork done so I busied myself about the house waiting for him. Eventually after lunch he was ready to go out and by this time I was completely anxious for some reason. If I think about it I was probably frustrated because I didn't feel I could go on my own. Once out I was very anxious but managed to do the shopping alone which is an achievement, even if it didn't feel very nice.

Home again and the anxiety was at full pelt. I busied myself putting the shopping away and writing cards which eventually calmed me.

I needed to put up the decorations as I have friends around tomorrow night. We got them out and hubby left me to get on with it, which is normal. My mood dipped completely while I was dressing the tree and I shed a few tears. For the rest of the evening my mood has remained low. I am sure it is just a bad day, yesterday was good so I am certain this mood will lift soon. It is just so frustrating to feel good for a bit, and begin to push myself and then to fall back a bit. To be honest, today I have felt lonely. Hubby has been up in the office for most of the day, apart from when he took me to the shops, and I have felt a bit irritated and excluded which is daft because really it was just a normal day. I guess I have got used to being 'looked after' for most of the day so now I need to become more independent. It really bothered me that I was waiting for hubby so I could get things done and I really need to address this. I shall made a concerted effort to go out alone more regardless of how anxious I feel. I know nothing bad will happen to me - it never does. The worst that does happen is I get hot and shaky and that can happen whether I am with someone or alone, I just need to force myself to do things.

Tomorrow will be better. I will visit Mum and I have friends round for the evening so I have plenty of preparations to do.

I must remember how much I have improved over the past couple of weeks. I am sleeping better and I am nowhere nearly as tearful. I am driving more and am feeling happier in general. A few weeks ago I felt low and tearful every day and now I am disappointed when I feel like it for one day! I suppose I just want things to hurry up so I can get back to work and all the confidence that gives me.

An eventful day

We planned to visit R............. and walk along the seafront with him and the dogs. Hubby has some work to do and thought he'd be back in time but instead I needed to drive there with the dogs alone. Did it no problem! Met up with hubby, parked car and headed off. I was absolutely fine until I saw Roger and then the anxiety kicked in and I started trembling. I managed to conceal how I was feeling but walking back to the hospital was very difficult with my legs like jelly and my head rushing. Still, nothing terrible happened and the feeling passed. I drove home alone with some anxiety but nothing out of control.

Back at home the trembling began again so I busied myself with wrapping Christmas presents which didn't really help so I listened to my relaxation tape which really helped. Hubby came home and wanted us to visit P.............. as he is home for the weekend. I could've done with resting but instead we went and I admit it was lovely to see him.

We had a dinner/dance to go to in the evening and I began to fret over it. Of course, the anxiety grew and I sat down and talked through it with hubby, in between sobs. That helped calm me down. I knew I had to go to prove to myself that I can still socialise and be 'normal' but the old fears were strong.

Boy, was I nervous! I barely knew anyone but luckily the venue was familiar. Once seated I started to relax a little and just tried to enjoy myself and I ended up having a lovely time! Got to bed at 2am feeling very proud of myself.

Another step

Today I feel happier. The sun began to show its face which cheered me up. Went to my doctor's appointment - all my tests are clear which is good news I suppose. Part of me wanted there to be a physical cause for my anxiety. Oh well. Today, since I got up, I have been trembly. Is this anxiety or a side-effect? The doctor thinks it may be the reintroduction of the Effexor and will pass in a few weeks. I had some anxiety before going to the gym and tried some deep breathing exercises and writing down my feelings. Basically once its all written down, it makes more logical sense and the 'out of control' anxiety is replaced with common sense. I was worried about the drive, having a panic attack at the gym, all the usual things. Anyway there was no problem at all! In fact, the session went very well and I could feel my confidence coming back. Hurrah! The trembling went pretty quickly after that so I think I can put it down to anxiety.

I feel quite proud of myself for coping with the anxiety and working through it on my own - another step forward.